Confession in the Endless Autumn Rain

Outside the window the autumn rain falls without end. Waking in the small hours, I toss and turn, unable to sleep; the pain in my heart rises wave after wave and will not let go.

In the first half of my life I always wanted to live by the rule: "Better that others wrong me than I wrong others," and not harm a single living being. But things went against my wishes. Because of my own inner greed, anger, delusion, arrogance, and doubt, I have also hurt others—some of them deeply. Searching my heart, I can hardly call myself a good person.

I too have been hurt in this world, but I do not hate anyone; I have long since forgiven all who hurt me. Yet those I have hurt are the ones I cannot put down. Because I have strong self-repair, when I am hurt I recover quickly. But some of those I hurt were fragile and could not mend their wounds as easily as I. Their pain makes me feel especially guilty.

Every religion holds that people must repent, because our faults have hurt other beings, and only repentance can ease the suffering of those we have wounded.

The people I have hurt most deeply are my family and closest beloveds. The closer the bond, the less guarded the tongue; it is against them that I have committed most of the sins of false speech and harsh speech. Of course, beyond them I have also hurt others in work and life. One day, when I began to repent, I realized how true the Buddhist sutra is when it says: "If a person has many faults and does not repent, but hardens his heart, his sins come upon him like water flowing into the sea, gradually deep and wide." One's own faults are a mountain; on what ground does one stand to accuse others?

But the sutra also says: "If a person has faults and knows them for what they are, reforms his evil and does good, his sins of themselves vanish, like an illness that breaks into a sweat and gradually recovers." By midlife, if one still does not repent but only complains, there can be no real growth.

If time could flow backward, I wish I had always been a person of great loving-kindness, never committing the ten evils—killing, stealing, lust, divisive speech, harsh speech, false speech, seductive speech, envy, anger, and delusion. But time cannot flow backward. I have committed essentially all ten, and in this life I have wronged many beings.

I am not one to demand perfection in others, but the Buddhist sutras I memorized as a boy keep ringing in my ears, again and again awakening my conscience, telling me to abandon evil and do good, to be lenient toward others and strict with myself. I now work in a humanitarian calling; the nature of my work means people like me should do nothing that adds to another's suffering, only relieve it.

Many truths I understand now I did not understand when young. The ignorant are fearless; back then I wantonly transgressed and left many regrets. Now I only pray that every being I have hurt may be free from suffering and find happiness, and that they may forgive my former ignorance.

Life can only be walked with its flaws. A perfect life would be ideal, but it is so unreal, so far from an ordinary mortal like me. Some guilt will accompany me all my life; only when I speak with the Buddha, repenting deeply again and again for what I have done, can my guilt be slightly eased.

I am grateful to everyone in this world who has given me love and care, and at the same time I feel ashamed toward every being I have hurt. Those who pass life with a clear conscience are enviable, but I am not such a person.

Some I have hurt are still near me; I hope they can hear my voice of repentance. Others have vanished into the crowd or gone to another world, with no chance of meeting again; those are the most regrettable, for there is not even a chance to apologize.

In the end I want to say that this world still has more good people than bad; not everyone has hurt you as I have. I hope you keep your faith in the world. I too will repent my former wrongs and make amends. For true inner self-discipline, one must first have repentance from the heart. Human beings are complex creatures with many sides of feeling; as we live on, we end up living amid a tangle of emotions.