The Courage to Admit That You Are Nothing
The great affliction of human beings lies in always thinking themselves remarkable. To my eye, this is almost a universal flaw, and I myself am no exception. Even a person who does not rush to show off in a group of three or five will, when alone, admire his own reflection.
In this vast cosmos, the earth is no more than a speck of dust, and each person on earth is a speck within that speck. I do not know what exactly we have that is worth thinking ourselves remarkable about. The unpleasant feelings that arise when one person deals with another mostly stem from one's pitiful dignity not being sufficiently cared for. Such a spiritual pillar, which can only stand on self-affirmation and being affirmed by others, is extremely easy to destroy.
The world is vast, yet people often see it as small; the self is tiny, yet people often see it as large. This contradiction means that we always carry within us some arrogance and complacency that others find utterly hateful. Many people need to wallow in various feelings of being affirmed in order to have the courage to go on living. When others do not affirm them, they busily affirm themselves.
Nearing fifty, I have gradually become a skeptic, doubting everything to a certain degree—including myself. Though I still live quite freely, I do not arrogantly think myself so very right, nor do I think my opinions exceptionally brilliant. I often reflect on the words I have spoken and the articles I have written; sometimes I feel that what I have said and written is no more than a pile of dog shit, utterly without reason to exist.
Personally, I find it hard to accept people who think they represent supreme truth, and also hard to accept people who think their own faith is supreme. Some psychologists say such people carry a deep-seated mixture of conceit and inferiority. My judgment is limited and I cannot tell whether this analysis is correct, but intuitively I feel it is not quite right. I am now especially vigilant, often reflecting on myself for fear of becoming this kind of person.
A heart that needs a crutch to stand is, after all, fragile. The reason people cling so stubbornly to their beliefs and self-affirmation is, more or less, that if they did not, they would be at a loss. Over-affirmation of the self is a dangerous thing, because it breeds arrogance, prejudice, and stubbornness. When what lies in the inner spiritual world collides violently with the outer world—for example, when a major life change occurs—those who are too rigid easily suffer mental collapse.
Having the courage to admit that one is nothing may perhaps be a more objective and more fitting attitude toward life. Only an empty bottle can hold new things; a bottle already full cannot take in anything new. Only when a person negates himself and empties himself can he transcend the old self and be reborn through fire. The beliefs we have always clung to—reasonable or not—we grip to death because we have adapted to and grown used to them, sometimes even treating them as a lifeline. This makes it hard for us to respond flexibly to life's changes.
Humans came from primitive society and have evolved a great deal, but also degenerated a great deal. Not only has the flesh put on clothes, the heart has also put on clothes. The more clothes the heart wears, the more fragile it becomes. The writer Zhang Xianliang put it well: "Thought makes people weak; instinct makes people strong." The evolution of thought always proceeds in step with the degeneration of instinct. People who constantly drink "chicken soup for the soul" are extremely easily nourished by it into hothouse flowers, unable to withstand a single blow.
When I was in the second year of high school, my older brother took me strolling down Nanjing Road in Shanghai, the most prosperous part of the city. It was my first contact with this great civilized metropolis. As we walked, I was unbearably bursting to urinate, and finally, with no other option, I relieved myself on the spot right there on bustling Nanjing Road. The embarrassment I suffered then caused me, years later, to dream repeatedly that I stood naked in the street, everywhere searching for clothes to cover my private parts and unable to find any.
The outer garments of civilization ultimately cannot withstand the needs of instinct. Much of the time, people fight against their own natural instincts beneath the false adornment of various ideas, living falsely and painfully. The reason our spiritual worlds generate so much garbage has a great deal to do with the self we have always believed in. Many people think they have faith, but in truth they merely worship the self. Much of what lies in our beliefs can only be called "correct nonsense"—it looks right, but is in fact useless drivel. What I say here can probably only be understood when we encounter a major life perplexity and need to re-examine ourselves.