First the Problem Family, Then the Problem Child—To the Families of Those Who Want to Leave Home for Monastic Life

It never occurred to me that one day I would suddenly be approached by many parents whose children want to become monks or nuns, or spouses whose partners want to leave home, seeking my help and hoping I would persuade their children or partners not to leave—as if I were some great authority.

In fact, this is just everyone grasping at a lifeline in desperation. I myself do not have the ability to persuade anyone who wants to leave home to return to secular life.

This counts as what Buddhism calls "having planted the karmic cause, one must surely experience the karmic fruit." Starting in 2000, I wrote, under various pen names, a series of articles both inheriting and critiquing Buddhist thought; in the last two years I have written such articles under my real name. So now people come to me for help, disturbing my quiet life, which is something I myself invited.

I am writing this article to give a unified answer on this issue, because I treat too many cancer patients and simply have no time—and, to be honest, no ability—to help everyone persuade their family members back to secular life.

First, let me say: I myself do not love secular life at all, though I do not love monastic life either. I am simply a person living in the secular world who is not of it; to put on airs, I do worldly things with an otherworldly mind, which is no different from having left home.

Everything in this secular world is, to me, bullshit. I do not care about any of this secular bullshit, and that includes all the flattery and criticism people direct at me.

I actually envy those fellows who can become monks; how much more I would envy them if they could hide in the deep mountains and forests, having no dealings with all sorts of people in the dusty world.

Such monastics are carefree and at ease; it is truly wonderful. But as far as I know, it is already hard for today's monastics to achieve such quiet; each of them tries every means to preach and teach, so as to fend off society's criticism that they are idlers.

Part of why I do not want to leave home is that I have seen today's monks running about preaching and collecting incense donations, living far from easy; so I keep my distance from monastic life.

If I could be self-sufficient with a hoe, without pretending to be compassionate or flattering patrons, just befriending a few fellows of similar temper as they come, that would suit my nature even better.

Many people think that because I criticize Buddhism, I stand in opposition to it. This is a great mistake. To a considerable degree, I recognize many Buddhist ideas and concepts, and I have even incorporated the Buddhist thoughts I accept into my subconscious, now and then being influenced by them.

I also hope that families whose members want to leave home will not be so quick to reject Buddhist thought. The fact that Buddhist thought has circulated for over two thousand years and been beloved by so many people is not without reason; it has helped many people resolve their spiritual confusion.

The reason your family members embrace Buddhism is that the spiritual confusion they encountered in life has been resolved through Buddhist thought. If you truly love your family members, should you not be grateful to Buddhist thought for delivering your loved ones from spiritual suffering?

I have been in contact with quite a few Buddhists—some with shaved heads, some without. Most Buddhists have known inner sorrow; living in the human world is for them like suffering in hell.

Often the parents or spouses of those who want to become, or have become, monastics tell me how wonderful their family life is, and say that their family member's wish to leave home is simply inconceivable.

In fact, this "wonderful" life is just a blind folded cloth covering up all the miseries of real life. Tear away that cloth and look deep into these people's inner world, and it is full of suffering.

Some monastics' parents are used to being dominant, used to disrespecting their children, used to being commanding parents who have spent a lifetime trying to control their children's will. It never occurs to them that their children, living with such parents, have no happiness at all, whereas life in the temple is actually happier.

Schopenhauer said that the most painful thing for a person is to have his will controlled by others. In China, the phenomenon of parents or spouses controlling the will of their children or partners is everywhere, with constant moral kidnapping, value kidnapping, life-view kidnapping, and worldview kidnapping; there is simply no habit of respecting a loved one's freedom, only the habit of enslaving one's children or spouse in the name of love.

If I lived in such a family, I too would not hesitate to choose monasticism; not killing my father and mother would already be doing well. I can only thank my own family for, over all these years, not subjecting me to all kinds of ideological and conceptual kidnapping and letting me be as free as a bird.

So I hope that those of you facing this dilemma will first examine yourselves: have you always been imposing your own will on your family?

We may have been indoctrinated with all sorts of ideas since childhood; these things are deeply rooted in our minds. We are used to taking these notions as self-evidently correct and have never considered how much bullshit they are, yet we demand that our family swallow the same bullshit, never wondering how nauseating it is to them.

I think this is how most family wars start.

Only when a person empties himself, stops taking himself seriously, and stops treating his own opinions as God's commandments, can he truly be tolerant of others.

I often see people enthusiastically writing aphorisms about tolerance, or writing chicken-soup essays on tolerance; they have no idea what tolerance essentially is. In my view, a truly tolerant person is someone who realizes he has no right to demand anything of others.

The essence of tolerance is simply to admit that you are nothing but a piece of shit, that your thoughts and concepts are all just a lump of dog dung, that your life view, values, and worldview may, like everyone else's, be absurd and ridiculous, that you cannot stand above others, that you have no right to judge the world or judge others, and that you are humble.

And this is extraordinarily difficult. Most of us habitually think we are right. We are used to self-righteously lecturing others and playing the teacher.

The most arrogant and ignorant species on earth is we humans. Countless interpersonal conflicts and troubles are caused by our own arrogance, prejudice, and narrow-mindedness. Without pride and prejudice, I believe many families would live in harmony.

Whoever tied the bell must untie it. The person who made his family cold and unsuitable as a warm refuge for its members is each of us ourselves—not some monk who has brainwashed our family, not our child or spouse who went mad from reading. As long as the family environment does not improve, your family member may not want to come home.

Let me also share my personal views on the various life views and values fashionable in society today. Personally, I now hold no views at all; I do not want to load any burden into my brain. I feel that all life views and values are as meaningless as pig dung.

And yet our society is flooded with life views and values that, in my view, are nothing but the nonsense of fools. Whether pursuing fame and fortune or pursuing so-called loftiness, the essence is tying oneself up in a cocoon.

It is just that the bound do not feel it, because they bound themselves; so they bind themselves willingly, no different from people who love self-abuse. Some chase money, some chase face, some chase loftiness, some chase being respected. In the end, none of them knows why they are alive.

Personally, I pursue none of these; I pursue my own pleasure. As long as I have amused myself, I am happy and consider life meaningful. Mr. Wang Xiaobo said that in this world the person most in need of saving is himself. I heartily agree: saving myself over a lifetime is enough; I will not point fingers at others, nor live for others' approval.

Yet we are always hoping to live respectably, to be enviable in others' eyes. Some people, without that, simply cannot live a single day, feeling they will be discriminated against and suffering greatly.

Not only are they used to living this way themselves, they are used to imposing it on their families, demanding that relatives strive for these fashionable values and life views, even at others' expense.

This absurd life pattern repeats itself in over ninety percent of people in society, and even the country's richest person or political leaders may be no exception.

There is a small minority who refuse to live this way, who refuse to perform like monkeys in a zoo to make a living. But the majority who live by performing like zoo monkeys love desperately to pull these people back into their group, hoping to drag them back to the so-called real world to go on living for cars, houses, and face. Conflict is bound to occur.

Among those who want to leave home, most are people who refuse any longer to perform monkey tricks for others. They want to leave home because their family, that great environment, can no longer reach agreement with them in thought. Hence: "Renouncing kin and leaving home, to become a shramana."

I feel that if we ourselves cannot change, cannot break free from society's fashionable values and life views to become independent, unconventional minorities, then we might as well let the family member who has already departed from convention become a monastic.

If we truly love them, for the sake of their lifelong happiness, let us not selfishly keep them by our side to scramble with us over a pile of incomprehensible bullshit.

And if we ourselves can break free from these secular values and life views, we will certainly be able to communicate with the family member who has departed from social convention, reach understanding, and form new family cohesion.

As someone who long ago broke away from this absurd society, whom my teachers and family have for years regarded as completely out of step with it, it is, I find, itself comical that you have placed your hope in me to persuade your family members back into this absurd society. I suspect that after communicating with me, the loved ones you want to "save" will mostly feel an even stronger desire to leave home, because I have never approved of secular society.

Who I especially want to thank is my own family, who have accepted my eccentricity, accepted my so-called rebellion, accepted my strange thoughts and habits, and accepted all the "flaws" others find intolerable in me. I must say that these are the fundamental reasons I am willing to spend the rest of my life with them.

Do not rush to deny others; first try denying yourself. Do not rush to change others; first try changing yourself.

A family member wanting to leave home is a major life shock, an accomplished fact. Facing this fact, re-encountering the world, replanning life, and reflecting on ourselves may bring us a brand-new, happier life rather than sorrow.

This is all I have to answer you; beyond this, I do not know what I can tell you.

Because I have always felt that I am a person who knows nothing, a humble person, one who is only qualified to discipline and change himself, and not qualified to educate or change others.

I also hope you will stop begging me to set aside the work I am doing to "save" your family; perhaps your family members are hoping I will "save" you.

I am only a physician specializing in treating tumors; all my energy is concentrated on treating tumors. I write thousands of characters of medical records every day and see many patients; that is already enough to occupy me. I really cannot split my attention to help you all persuade your family not to leave home. I hope you will understand!