Forget the Goal, Enjoy the Process

After a period of adjustment, my life has begun to fit me better. Since moderately reducing my workload and shifting my focus to study, my psychological pressure has eased considerably. It turns out that for all these years, my greatest mental stress came from the life-and-death dilemmas I had to face at work. The special nature of our profession means that people like us always have one nerve stretched tight; in the face of other people's lives and deaths, I have never dared to be careless. One careless mistake that causes another person's death would be an enormous catastrophe. Working long-term under such pressure is indeed not easy.

Compared with the unique occupational stress of the medical profession, study pressure is child's play; one could even say that studying is as relaxing as leisure. It brings no stress at all; on the contrary, it brings endless joy. I have never developed a lasting interest in eating, drinking, and entertainment. The only interest that has run through most of my 45 years of life is the pursuit of knowledge. Most other interests have been phase-specific—in the jargon we medical students use, they are "transient" interests.

Recently, I have finally knocked on the door of biology, a subject I had long wanted to study thoroughly but had never found dedicated time to learn systematically. It is my favorite course right now; I even hope that, if the opportunity arises, I can pursue higher education in biology. Although biology is complex and not easy to master, it has brought me much enjoyment. It has finally let me understand how the various life activities work. To learn biology well, I have also thoroughly reviewed chemistry along the way.

Back when I was in high school, biology was not a required subject for science students, so now that I study biology I have to start from zero, teaching myself bit by bit. Fortunately, our era is so rich in learning resources; there are many excellent biology video lectures online. As long as one listens attentively and reads carefully, learning biology well is not difficult.

Studying other courses has also brought much enjoyment. The joy a person gets when, one after another, they finally understand questions that once puzzled them is beyond words. My older brother also found me a stack of original English textbooks for me to try to chew through. Between brothers there is a special tacit understanding. My brother is three years older than I am, and perhaps only he can share my pleasures. We both have a strong thirst for knowledge.

Because I have not used English for many years, more than half of what I once learned has faded. But after this period of memorizing vocabulary and studying grammar, my English reading comprehension has gradually recovered. I hope that in two or three years I will be able to read monographs in biology and biochemistry in the original English.

Exams are far less important to me now than learning itself. At first I did think about doing more practice questions to raise my scores, but as I studied, I became fascinated by the topics I was interested in. The original goal became secondary, and the process of learning became the most important thing. I am no longer led by the nose by exams; whatever the result, it can hardly be worse than this year, and I can accept any score. I would rather truly understand, and thoroughly master, the questions that interest me.

The internal cafeteria of the National Library has been open to the public for a while. The food there is not only to my taste but also inexpensive. I like the dining atmosphere of the National Library cafeteria; studying here every day and then eating here saves a lot of trouble. Sometimes my wife spends weekends with me at the library, and when mealtime comes we go to the cafeteria together. We really like the food there—the quality is better than at home, the variety is richer, and the price is very reasonable. A buffet with both meat and vegetables costs just over 20 yuan, and a bowl of fried bean sauce noodles is 10 yuan; the prices are truly affordable.

We look forward to retiring and no longer cooking at home, spending our long days at the National Library and eating in its cafeteria. Living such a simple life, contending with neither the world nor others, free from the pressure of promotions and KPIs, would be as carefree and happy as an immortal. What is rare is that, at our age, the two of us have finally found the same interests and come to love the same way of life.

Zizhuyuan Park next to the National Library is beautiful, with fresh air. When I grow tired after long hours in the library, I take a stroll in Zizhuyuan Park, go for a run, enjoy the folk singing and dancing there, and occasionally join in for a bit; my spirits are lifted. If one does not like card games, video games, fishing, or other quirky hobbies, then life in this ecosystem formed by the National Library and Zizhuyuan Park is truly one of the best ways to spend one's time.

I very much like this turn my life has taken. In the past, because there was no exam requirement, my learning was random and loose; although relaxed, when I encountered monographs on biology I often had to give up halfway through, because there was too much I could not understand. Some disciplines really need to be studied systematically, with the foundational knowledge mastered. But people are lazy, and it is hard to force oneself to spend a long time learning a subject that one does not use much at work. This time, taking advantage of the opportunity, I have finally made up for that deficiency, sweeping away the knowledge-based roadblocks that once stood in the way of reading more professional literature. From now on I can comfortably read large tomes on biology.

There may never be another place in China as good for reading and leisure as the National Library. Spending long hours here changes a person's character. A peaceful environment makes one increasingly placid and brings greater happiness—when our happiness has nothing to do with the outside world and depends only on our inner spiritual world, that happiness lasts, because it no longer relies on external things.

I don't think I will ever return to my former way of life. Now that my child is in college, our financial pressure is noticeably lighter, and I no longer have to work as hard as before. I now prefer to devote my time to basic medical research; the rest of my life is still long, and I can undertake many explorations that are both interesting and meaningful. I want to fix my present way of life as the way I will live for the rest of my days.

Here, the years have truly become quiet and beautiful.