Fusion Anxiety and Separation Anxiety
Anxiety is a psychological phenomenon many people experience. Among the anxieties arising from interpersonal relationships, there are two types: fusion anxiety and separation anxiety. These two types of anxiety trouble many people, especially anxiety sufferers who are highly sensitive, have low self-esteem, and tend toward perfectionism. Fusion anxiety and separation anxiety often lead them into conflict with family members or partners.
Fusion anxiety refers to the intense worry a person feels about over-dependence and fusion once an intimate relationship is established and sustained over time. People with fusion anxiety fear that too much closeness will cause them to lose their sense of self and become an appendage of another person. They also fear that their flaws will be discovered and that their loved one or partner will not accept them long-term. For this reason, they resist staying in close, long-term proximity with their intimate partner. For example, a wife with fusion anxiety who has lived with her husband for a while may hope that he goes on a business trip or leaves home for a period. After two lovers have been together for some time, one may want the other to keep a distance and refuse excessive closeness.
Separation anxiety refers to the marked anxiety one experiences when separated from an intimate partner: fear of being abandoned, fear of loneliness, or worry that something will happen to the partner. For example, when a husband goes on a business trip or is invited by family or friends to an event, the wife may feel frightened or angry, interpreting his behavior as snubbing or abandoning her.
Some patients have only fusion anxiety or only separation anxiety; others have both. For instance, patients with bipolar disorder and those with borderline personality disorder may exhibit relatively pronounced fusion anxiety and separation anxiety at the same time. This is mainly because the emotions of these two groups are always swinging in an unstable state. When they interact with their intimate partners, a repeated push-pull pattern easily emerges: fusion anxiety pushes partners away, while separation anxiety pulls them back when the partner actually tries to leave. This repeated push-pull makes their intimate relationships far more difficult than those of ordinary people.
It is very difficult to expect patients themselves to change these symptoms, because this is essentially a physiological phenomenon rather than something they do intentionally. For such patients, only family members or partners who fully understand their pathology and grasp their unusual logic can help. When sensing that the patient's fusion or separation anxiety has been triggered, they should promptly soothe the patient and help them calm down. Timely soothing can help patients stabilize their emotions. Patients with personality disorders may eventually even be healed by such a partner relationship, but patients with bipolar disorder can hardly be cured this way; they need mood-stabilizing medication.
Anxiety is a physiological illness; it is not that the patient "cannot see reason." Complaining about patients not only fails to relieve their anxiety but intensifies their self-blame. If you love someone who is highly sensitive, low in self-esteem, and perfectionistic, you need to learn the relevant brain science and psychology and treat your family member's or partner's behaviors as pathological reactions. This will make you feel much better.
When a patient's fusion or separation anxiety is triggered, they typically adopt a series of seemingly harmful behaviors to relieve the anxiety, such as angry outbursts, demands for breakup or divorce, or running away from home. In essence, the patient is trying to save the relationship, not destroy it, but their way of expressing it may be hard to understand or accept.
If family members can understand the logic behind this pathological reaction, grasp what the patient truly means, and read their subtext, they can provide timely and effective comfort. Usually at such times, family members should not focus on the patient's high-pitched emotion, but instead think about what specific detail triggered the emotional reaction.
Most highly sensitive patients know they have a problem; they just cannot control themselves. Being overly sensitive and emotional is their instinctive reaction. They also suffer from their own irritability and may even feel ashamed of being unable to control their emotions; severe cases may self-harm or commit suicide. But they find it as hard as healthy people do to openly express their true thoughts; their anxiety makes them afraid of direct communication. Family members should try their best to understand and be considerate, accompany the patient to medical visits, and accept and soothe the patient when emotions are provoked. When necessary, a psychiatrist may prescribe a mood stabilizer, and psychological counseling may also help.
Anyone living with a highly sensitive, irritable person may experience a life different from that of ordinary people. But such patients need understanding and help from their family or intimate loved ones, and once their unusual logic is understood by family or partners, getting along with them becomes much easier.