I Formally Announce My True Religious Faith: The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

Many people mistake me for a Buddhist. In fact this is a colossal misunderstanding. I simply happened, out of boredom, to read a little about Buddhism and write a few Buddhist-flavored articles; I am far from a Buddhist believer.

So I hope my Buddhist brothers will not call me "fellow practitioner" every other word. I respect your religious faith, and I hope you will respect mine.

On this festive occasion, I hereby formally announce my true religious faith (if I have one): the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

I intend only to be a devout Pastafarian (if I need a religion). In this life I intend to follow no other religion but this one.

My faith holds that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster "after a heavy drinking binge," and that this spaghetti monster is the one true God, hence also called "His Noodly Appendage."

As for the founding history of my faith and its many amusing myths, if you are interested, you may Baidu it yourself.

The pontiff of my faith has laid down the following eight commandments, which all the faithful gladly uphold:

1. And so, preach my word but do not be self-righteous about it; if some do not believe, that is okay. Your God is not a vain or jealous God.

2. And so, do not, in My name, oppress, conquer, punish or harm others, nor do evil to your neighbors. I do not require your worship. Purity is about water, not people.

3. And so, do not judge people by their clothing, appearance or speech. Toward all sentient beings, hold mercy and forbearance. You should remember: women = a person, men = a person, shrimp = shrimp. All forms of life are equal, no difference—except that, when it comes to fashion, sorry, only women and a few extremely gifted men receive My blessing.

4. And so, do not make things hard on yourself, nor on your lover in the prime of life. If you break this commandment, please have the decency to turn off the TV and go for a walk. Otherwise, just take care of yourself.

5. And so, when you have not eaten your fill, do not reason with stubborn people or those full of hatred; eat first, and settle accounts with them afterward.

6. And so, do not spend money building for Me lavish temples / churches / shrines / holy sites / chapels. You may use the money to:

6.1 Relieve the poor and aid the weak

6.2 Cure the sick and save lives

6.3 Live well, love well, and bring the internet bill down a bit

Perhaps I am an omniscient, omnipotent complex sugar-based being, but by nature I am detached. You know—I am the Creator.

7. And so, do not tell everyone that I have appeared to you. You are no heartthrob; get over yourself, and go love your peers.

8. And so, those of you who like whips, candles and Vaseline: do not force it on your partner. Of course, if he or she likes it too, by all means enjoy—and don't forget to take pictures. Also, remember to wear a condom; it is just a thin film. If I really meant you harm, I could put spikes on it and you'd be just as stuck.

According to the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the official closing word of prayer in this faith is "RAmen" (pronounced like "lamian").

Finally, a simple Q&A about my faith:

Q: I want to join! How do I do it?

A: Great, you are now a member. No membership fee. No temple trials. No oath before the incarnation of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. No sharing a cup. Of course, it would be best if you paid a visit to our headquarters.

Welcome the uninformed public to try membership free for one month; if unsatisfied you may quit at any time, with no adverse consequences or side effects.

Q: What can I do for the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster?

A: Spread the gospel. Do not forget to tell people that we are the world's most peaceful mainstream religion, never having stirred up any war in My God's name, and never producing a single martyr.

If there must be an initiation ceremony (in this age when everyone so needs ritual, an initiation seems quite necessary), the consensus among Pastafarians is: wear a colander on your head!

Zhou Zhiyuan

April 1, 2018