A Letter Home to My Son

My son:

You are twelve now. In the Chinese zodiac, twelve years form one cycle; from your twelfth birthday onward, you are entering a new cycle. This cycle is the critical stage in which you move from childhood into adulthood.

On this special day, Dad has some things to say to you. Before age twelve is the stage of the young child; after twelve, a person gradually moves from that stage toward reason, maturity, and independence.

Dad does not expect you to become a "distinguished" or "successful" person, but hopes you will become a free, happy, healthy, and contented one. Dad does not want you to drift with the current just to stand out, or to be hijacked by all sorts of things into forcing yourself to do what you dislike.

Dad hopes that all your future life choices will come from your own passion, not from others' expectations. I hope you can make choices and decisions independently. No matter what kind of person you become, as long as you are truly happy within yourself without harming others, Dad will be happy for you.

But becoming a free, happy, healthy, and contented person is not easy. Dad is nearly forty, and still rarely sees anyone who actually lives at that level.

Dad has marched to his own drummer all his life, and has barely managed to reach such a state. I can dispose of my own time and arrange my life according to my own tastes, and I am basically satisfied with my life. Dad hopes that one day you too can live independently and freely, doing what you love with happiness.

So how does one reach such a state? Dad has a few life lessons to share with you.

A person cannot live apart from society. No matter how hard he tries to "leave the world," he cannot truly do so. From ancient times to today, almost no one has achieved true detachment; any attempt to completely escape society will likely prove futile.

So, since you cannot leave society, you must learn to keep your independence while adapting to it.

How, then, does one keep one's independence while adapting to society?

First, treat everyone around you with goodwill and learn to get along with them harmoniously. Do not harm their dignity or their bodies; if possible, when they need help, do what you can to help them.

Beyond that, you must keep a certain distance from the crowd. Do not fall into frantic socializing, and do not blindly follow what your peers do. Before doing anything, think it through independently; do not act just because others egg you on. Cultivate this habit in every matter, and over time you will become an independent person.

From my own years of observation, most people are unhappy because they fail at these two things. If you cannot treat those around you well, interpersonal conflicts are unavoidable. If you cannot think independently, you cannot avoid being hijacked by outside forces. So Dad hopes that from an early age you will learn to treat others well while forming your own opinions.

Of course, even doing this is not true independence. True independence also requires independent survival skills and the ability to handle danger. Among the books Dad gave you is the "Naked Ape" trilogy by the anthropologist Desmond Morris; I hope one day you will read it carefully and, following Mr. Morris, understand the essence of the human world.

When you were small, Dad often told you that I should teach you to survive in society the way a great lion teaches its cub to survive in the jungle. To survive in this highly specialized society, you must eventually develop a degree of professional competence and the ability to serve others. Without that ability, you cannot survive honestly in this world through honest effort.

You need to choose a direction you love and accumulate rich knowledge and skills in some field. Only when you have enough knowledge and skill can you become someone able to serve others.

So do not be lazy; be diligent.

Serving others means facing all kinds of people. Some may bring you displeasure, make you feel your efforts are meaningless, and make your life seem dull. While arranging the rhythm of your life and work reasonably, you must also build your psychological resilience.

Dad hopes you will learn from childhood to help others, and to accept the reality that those we help may not treat us well in return.

You must understand that those we help, for various reasons, differ from us in their views; these differences mean they may not appreciate our help. So do not expect too much in return.

Society is imperfect, and people can never fully escape their own human narrowness. So you must learn to accept the imperfect side of reality. What matters in this world is feeling the beauty of life, not sinking into the depression that its ugliness brings. If something in life disappoints you, learn to go around it, forget the unpleasantness, and turn your attention to other things that make you happy.

If you can be content even with an imperfect life, you will become an easily satisfied person. Your happiness depends not on what you obtain, but on your satisfaction with what you have.

Your grandmother was a happy person; she passed the happy gene on to your dad. Dad hopes you will inherit that happy gene too—do not haggle over every detail; learn to be a tolerant, good-natured person.

In doing things you may relentlessly pursue perfection, but for any result, learn to accept it joyfully.

You need to become a "powerful" person to achieve an independent, free life. By "powerful" I mean a broad word: it includes strong spiritual power, physical strength, and solid professional ability.

The day before yesterday, you and Mom saw a courier on the road being brutally beaten by someone with whom he had a traffic accident. Ever since that happened, Dad has wanted to tell you: such things could happen to you too. I think the courier was wrong not to fight back; you must learn, when threatened or harmed, to protect yourself. Have the courage to strike back against any bully.

When such things happen, do not be timid. And do not ruin your body by overeating and drinking, leaving yourself unable to respond flexibly at such moments, unable to protect yourself and your family. Although Dad stresses that you should treat others well, when such problems arise, you must unhesitatingly fight back by every means; do not be cowardly.

Confucius said: "The benevolent are free of anxiety, the wise free of doubt, the brave free of fear." I think this spirit of Confucius, in modern society, means that a person should learn to be generous to others and to think independently—and also to be brave.

You are a boy; Dad hopes that, as you become a kind and independent person, you will also possess courage.

When you have gradually formed such a philosophy of life, cultivated the habit of independent thinking, the habit of treating others generously, and the quality of bravery, I believe that no matter where you go in future, your life will not turn out too badly.

May 14, 2017

Dad, who loves you forever: Zhou Zhiyuan