Living in the Present, Ready to Accept Death at Any Time
When my late mother passed away, I grieved deeply for a long time over her early death. As time passed, I gradually came to accept the reality. Having spent all these years in the cancer world, what I have heard and seen is nothing but shocking early deaths. Many of the patients I have met were unfortunate enough to develop cancer at an age younger not only than me but even younger than my son is now. Before getting cancer, almost all of them had been healthy and full of life; only suddenly one day did they discover they had cancer, and mostly it was already at an intermediate or late stage.
Virtually every family member of a cancer patient naturally becomes a member of the cancer-fearing race. Because they have known firsthand this disease that kills, they deeply understand its terror; the relatives of cancer patients generally pay far more attention to medical and health matters than ordinary people. And the doctors who treat tumours carry a heavy burden in their hearts. Many doctors are unwilling to treat oncology patients; granted, there is an element of fear of difficulty, but is it not also that the negative emotions felt in the cancer world weigh too heavily, affecting their own quality of life?
I often worry that one day I myself will suddenly get cancer; roughly every two years I undergo an above-routine physical check-up, to make sure for now I am not under threat from cancer. In the preface to the great TCM work Shang Han Lun (Treatise on Cold Damage), Zhang Zhongjing expresses his disdain for worldly glamour and his esteem for life. With my present life experience, I deeply identify with Zhang Zhongjing's outlook; it was precisely because he had witnessed so many deaths that he arrived at such an insight.
Life is impermanent; our lives are not under our own control. The power of life and death over us is wielded by a fellow called Heaven. Death may descend on anyone at any time: today one may be at the very height of fortune, and tomorrow suddenly be told the end is near. The idea of living well in the present and being ready to accept death at any time is so widespread and so realistic among people who have gone through a terminal illness like cancer.
Because I have faced so much death, I have gradually ceased to fear it. In the past I often thought that at the very least I must wait until my son had grown up and I had seen out the elders before I could die in peace. I no longer think that way now: when death comes, I can simply leave with equanimity at any time. Life is just such a process of arising and ceasing; anyone may at any moment be struck by a terminal illness and depart, and those who are left behind, after wiping away their tears, will go on living.
Only from birth to death is a complete life process. I have gradually come to accept the comfort that some religious people offer - that there is a destination after death - even though I myself am an atheist. There are always people in this world who fear death. If a certain way of thinking can help them overcome that fear, it is beneficial in any case.
We are among the helpless living beings; in the vast universe we are but a speck of dust. All we can grasp is this life, this time, this moment - and living in the present matters more than anything. Pursuing dreams is merely an excuse to comfort the mind and pass the boredom of life; if pursuing dreams means torturing oneself, it is asking for trouble.
Every pleasure that harms no one else is innocent; enjoy such pleasures well. For if we do not enjoy them now, the next moment may bring no further chance.