My Five Treasures: Understanding, Silence, a Smile, Letting Nature Take Its Course, and Enjoying One's Own Company
Laozi said in the Dao De Jing that he had three treasures: "kindness, frugality, and daring not to be ahead of the world"—his three great tools for dealing with life. I also have five treasures: understanding, silence, a smile, letting nature take its course, and enjoying one's own company.
If, while alive, a person could be comfortable for himself, comfortable for those around him, and comfortable for every unrelated stranger, that would be perfect. But such a wish is impossible, so we settle for second best: seek to be comfortable for ourselves and those around us while striving to avoid conflict with others. This second-best wish is achievable.
To achieve it, the main task is not to change others but to improve oneself as much as possible. I venture that the most important human ability is the ability to understand. If a person basically understands himself, basically understands others, and understands the rules by which the world operates, then he can hardly harm himself, nor can he be harmed by others. Apart from grief at the occasional parting or death, there are no excess emotions. The most effective way to reach this goal is to experience life and read books.
Experiencing life means personally tasting its joys and sorrows and arriving at one's own wisdom; reading books means drawing on others' wisdom. Both paths foster our mental growth. When the mind grows to a certain degree, one grasps the laws governing the world and the behavioral and psychological principles behind all living things, including humans. Knowing the natural laws behind all things, one can accept everything with a scientific eye rather than acting on impulse. When a person reaches this state, he can eliminate most negative emotions, always dealing with the world in a calm and quiet way—no quarreling, no inferiority, no haughtiness, no haste, no impatience.
Most of the time, the emotional reactions of ourselves and others are uncontrollable physiological or even pathological reactions. The constraints of natural law determine that human beings have almost no free will. But once we grasp these natural laws and recognize them as natural phenomena, we can steer ourselves away from the negative emotions that bring us pain.
Although humans have all kinds of defense mechanisms to avoid being hurt, some of which eventually develop into mental illness (for example, the defense of attacking others may be related to bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, or mania, while grandiosity is related to narcissistic personality disorder), I personally believe that the once-and-for-all defense with the least long-term harm is to raise one's cognitive ability and understand everything. When we understand everything, we can forgive everything, accept everything, and not argue with anyone.
Silence and a smile are two other friendly defenses. When we face misunderstanding and disputes, on the foundation of understanding, forgiveness, and acceptance, adding silence and a smile can avoid more than 99% of conflicts. Once a conflict arises, it must be stopped in time from worsening. Every continuously worsening conflict drains energy. If we look at others as bystanders, we see that most disputes in life arise from trivial matters.
So when these trivial matters befall us, we must have the ability and composure to laugh them off and stay silent. The life of a calm, unruffled person is not beset by endless troubles; the three words "not taking it to heart" resolve the vast majority of troubles. If a person still easily develops negative emotions because of others' attitudes, or even argues with them, he needs to read further and improve his ability to understand human behavior. When one understands human behavior almost completely, it becomes impossible to take anyone to task.
I have used these three treasures to avoid the vast majority of troubles, leaving my life almost free of vexation, emotional drain, and unnecessary waste, so negative emotions rarely arise. To better protect ourselves, we must maintain appropriate boundaries with others; boundaries help us avoid being over-invaded. When not over-invaded, we can live in peace to the greatest extent. Life need not pursue perfection; a reasonable measure of peace is enough. The occasional mild disturbance is no great matter; just pass it by.
Letting nature take its course is another psychological skill for handling negative emotions. It should be a consistent life attitude applied to every corner of our lives. It is an attitude that neither suppresses the self nor stimulates the self, allowing one to live in the most relaxed state. Let affairs take their course, let emotions take their course, let learning take their course, let family and friends take their course. If everything follows its course, where would lasting anxiety come from? People become anxious simply because we keep demanding too much.
But a life without vexation or anxiety is not a beautiful life; a beautiful life should be enjoyable. The easiest joy to obtain in life is self-entertainment. Zhuangzi said that Lie Yukou could ride the wind, which looked wonderful, but without wind he could not ride it. So any happiness that depends on external conditions is not true happiness; the moment the external condition disappears, the happiness disappears with it. True lasting happiness is the self-contained joy that comes easily, without great effort.
Self-entertainment is a joy that asks nothing of the outside world, a joy achievable through the self and nature alone. It is lovely to have company in joy, but it is also lovely to enjoy one's own company. With company, let nature take its course and keep good company; without company, let nature take its course and keep good company with oneself.
As long as a person makes no demands of others and treats those around him gently and kindly, when companionship is needed there will always be companionship, and he will not be lonely. It is just that in this world one does not need too many companions; a few with whom one can converse deeply suffice. Too much socializing wastes time—both one's own and others'. Not unduly troubling or disturbing others is an inner cultivation.
Self-entertainment is a very important ability. A person who can, when alone, feel content through self-entertainment is far more likely to be happy. One can find joy in appreciating natural scenery, in immersing oneself in hobbies, in interacting with animals, in reading, and even in working.
There are simply too many avenues to self-entertainment. When a person needs no external stimulation and can be satisfied by self-entertainment alone, that person is happy. Because this endogenous joy depends on no external condition and does not vanish with external changes, it remains in a lasting, stable state—a state of self-sufficiency and fulfillment. A self-sufficient person treats others generously and easygoing, is not prone to nitpicking, and brings more warmth and happiness to intimate partners.
Life is a journey in which everyone's core thought patterns are simple; some are healthy and some are harmful. To live more comfortably, we must learn to adjust our inner world, gradually habituating healthy thought patterns and correcting harmful ones.
Actually, mastering these skills is not terribly complicated. According to cognitive behavioral theory, repeated practice can solidify healthy thought patterns into instinctive behavior and form a new personality. So a person's character can change; it is just that achieving this goal requires enough perseverance.