My Skills Are Limited—Please Don't Expect Too Much of Me

Patients or their families often add me on WeChat and shower me with extravagant praise, which makes me thoroughly uncomfortable. Because the "me" they describe is not the real me but the "me" they expect; some even deify me.

I understand that people want to say flattering things and build a good doctor-patient relationship to achieve better medical results. But I also worry that the false rumors people hear through various channels may make some desperate patients expect too much from me—expectations far beyond my ability—so that their psychological anticipation exceeds my competence and undermines rational judgment and decision-making. Any exaggerated, false publicity and unrealistic expectations cause families to lose reason; I do not want anyone to lose both money and life because of me. Faced with supplicants who expect too much, honestly, I feel great pressure and often have to turn them down.

I come from a science and engineering background and was not originally trained in medicine. I began studying anticancer knowledge on my own after my mother developed cancer. Unknowingly, I became well known among patient groups, and eventually took the traditional apprenticeship route into TCM. I research TCM, yet I cannot shed the science student's bent for hard evidence and distaste for empty speculation; some of my remarks may therefore not appeal to fellow TCM practitioners. To avoid conflicts and arguments that waste precious time, I have in recent years withdrawn from various groups.

As the son of a cancer patient, I suffered greatly from exaggerated advertising and my own unreasonable expectations. Since entering TCM, I have therefore always tried to keep a plain writing and personal style so as not to mislead patients. But as the number of articles I write and the number of my patients grow, my influence grows too, and many people may be blinded by my empty reputation.

I should explain that I have written almost every day since the first year of junior high, and it has become a habit. So the fact that I have written a great deal is not because my level is high, but because writing is a hobby. Around the time of the college entrance exam, I sometimes wrote more than ten thousand characters in a single day. I am not a sociable person; I have almost no social life. Writing is part of my life, and I simply could not stop.

I therefore hope people will read my articles rationally. Most of the medical articles I publish are merely notes I took while studying medicine; they do not prove that my level is high. At first I had no intention of publishing them. It was because, while exchanging ideas with other patients' families in some patient groups, friends found what I shared somewhat valuable and urged me to write it up, that articles gradually accumulated. I have consistently refused to publish books because I feel these articles are not weighty enough and my own level is still not high, and I do not want to mislead people. There are plenty of TCM physicians more skilled than I am. As Laozi said, the greatest sound is silent; those seasoned, sober senior TCM physicians are far more worthy of your trust and respect than I am.

I also have to remind patients and readers frequently not to mistake me for a "divine doctor" who can bring the dying back to life just because I occasionally achieve a bit of effect. My effective rate in treating disease is not high. On one hand, my academic level and clinical experience are limited; on the other hand, many diseases are hard to treat, medicine is not yet perfect, and many diseases are incurable.

I devote the vast majority of my energy to cancer research—studying not only TCM anticancer therapy but also the Western medicine and biology relevant to cancer. For years I have not been very confident in my own ability and insight; to uphold medical ethics, I always urge patients and their families to think carefully and respect their own choices.

I try not to treat diseases other than cancer. First, my energy is limited, and researching cancer has exhausted me; second, I have not seriously studied other diseases and do not want to delay other patients' conditions. Some friends have pressed me to treat cases anyway, but most have not worked out. Yet for years, patients with all sorts of difficult, complicated conditions have kept asking me for treatment, and I try to explain that I cannot cure them. I sincerely hope you will believe this is not false modesty but genuine powerlessness.

Some families of cancer patients know me well and, having other ailments, ask me to treat them as a friend on a trial basis, saying they won't blame me if I fail. Such requests are hard to refuse, and sometimes I reluctantly try. Others are friends introduced by relatives or close friends, and I treat them for conditions outside my expertise without avoiding the appearance of impropriety. The occasional cure of one such patient is really coincidence rather than medical brilliance; most of the time my results for these diseases are disappointing. Because my energy is limited, I have not kept statistics, and I do not know my success rate for these conditions—but it is certainly very low. My occasional successes depend as much on the patient's luck and the mildness of their disease as on anything else, so I hope you will view them rationally and not waste money and time on me.

If I have any merit, perhaps it is a little self-knowledge. I have always known that my intelligence is ordinary and my level limited; I dare not be arrogant or act as a teacher to others. So over the years I have both worked hard to make up for dullness through diligence—studying tirelessly and writing incessantly—and constantly reflected on myself, cautioning myself not to overestimate my ability or mislead patients and readers into thinking I am more skilled than I am.

Many media outlets or publishers have commissioned articles, and investors in medical institutions have invited me to join them; I have politely declined all. I have long since shut down all self-media accounts except my WeChat Official Account and my personal website, and I use no social tools other than WeChat and QQ. For communicating with patients I have only one work WeChat; QQ I keep but hardly use. Other media keep reposting my articles, and there is nothing I can do to stop them. I do this to minimize my personal influence. I constantly fear that "under a great reputation, the reality may not measure up"; I do not want to cause any undue misleading or disturbance in the world.

For years I have avoided involvement in hot social events and avoided eye-catching headlines, fearing I might become too entangled in worldly affairs and lapse into frivolity. But as the saying goes, "he who often walks by the river will sooner or later get his shoes wet." The more articles one writes, the more likely that one or two will occasionally explode online and attract large numbers of readers; this has never been my intention. I am myself quite surprised when some articles go viral.

Zhu Xi described Zhuangzi as a man who "only talks to himself in a secluded place." Given my limited ability, level, and dislike of fuss, I too prefer talking to myself in a quiet corner; the fewer people I influence, the better, so as not to mislead too many readers. I only hope my articles circulate among acquaintances, treating it as a personal hobby with limited promotion to make a living; I have no wish to become famous.

Some readers hope I will publish a book soon. I would rather not publish one during my lifetime, leaving others to weigh me objectively after my death. If my words have value, let something be published; if they have none, let them scatter to the wind—why waste paper and sully people's eyes? I am a person of limited talent who has nevertheless spent a lifetime practicing a critical spirit in scholarship and writing; after death, others should likewise apply a critical spirit to sift out my dross. Having written so many articles, I am certain the dross must be beyond counting.

I have already written several essays like this one and will probably write more from time to time. Writing them is meant to throw cold water on overzealous readers and sound a warning bell: please seek medical care rationally and view the limitations of medicine rationally. I do not wish to live under pressure, and I especially do not wish to see any patient or family member harm their own decisions because of unrealistic expectations of me.