No Distractions, Only Passion Remains
At some point yesterday, standing outside the library, I looked up at the vast sky; at that moment it was an endless stretch of blue sky and white clouds. In that instant, a sense of joy from deep within welled up spontaneously. It was also then that I realized I had established the truest and deepest connection with my inner self.
Everything I now have is exactly what I once dreamed of, what I had yearned for over so many years. Although to others my circumstances may seem trivial, even dreary, to myself this is all I want—not a bit more, not a bit less, no further addition or subtraction needed.
Simple, focused, calm, with a quiet joy; forgetting both self and surroundings. Each day I study in an orderly way and gain something new. Time is used efficiently; there is no toil, only endless fulfillment. People often say how wonderful it would be if time could flow backward and we could return to the past. For me, my present life is as if time has flowed backward: I have returned to my youth, except without the sorrows of young Werther, and with a composure that comes from having seen the vicissitudes of the world. I know clearly what I truly need.
Wu Jingzi, at the end of his novel The Scholars, composed a poem to the tune "Qin Yuan Chun": "I remember back then, I loved the Qinhuai River and left my hometown for a time. After the Meigen foundry, I roamed freely several times; in the Apricot Blossom Village, I wandered again and again. Wind stills in the tall parasol tree, insects chirp beneath the tiny grove; I also compared myself with the men of my age. Now it is over! I cast off my robes like a cicada shedding, and wash my feet in the Canglang. When bored I pour a cup of rosy wine, calling a few new friends to get drunk. A hundred years pass easily, why grieve? Affairs of a thousand years are too great to settle. The misty rivers and mountains of the Jiangzuo region, the old folks of Huainan—writing them into my remnant book only breaks the heart! From now on, beside the medicine furnace and sutra scrolls, I myself will pay homage to the Void King."
This is my favorite ci poem. It is so realistic that it captures the full flavor of a battle-worn middle-aged man returning to simplicity; if life had missed even one of its stages, one could not deeply appreciate its beauty. In my wild youth I too was cocky, full of heroic spirit, "roaming freely several times" and "comparing myself with my contemporaries"; now I thoroughly enjoy the ease and freedom of "casting off my robes and washing my feet in the Canglang." A hundred years pass easily; in the instant I look up at "the misty rivers and mountains of the Jiangzuo region," all the world's turmoil has been cast into the distant past.
I no longer feel that studying all day is a hardship; on the contrary, I feel the happiest thing in life is nothing less than this. Throughout history, so many interesting and clever people have invented and created such beautiful knowledge and scholarship; these are enough to inspire endless reflection, making our long road not dreary but full of delight. Devoting the rest of my life to such a way of living is truly the best and most fitting choice I could make.
I no longer sacrifice my health, studying myself to death, for any particular outcome. Everything in life ultimately vanishes like a passing cloud, not worth obtaining at the cost of health and peace of mind. I love immersing myself in the library and reading, simply because this happens to be my passion. If I loved playing in the mud instead of reading, I would go play in the mud. Contemplated calmly, all things are sufficient in themselves; there is no need to rank them high or low.
Because I am immersed in such a world, I naturally enter a state as still as an ancient well. The things in real life that trouble so many people no longer stir even a ripple in my heart, let alone a wave. I am between heaven and earth, yet not between them; heaven and earth seem to contain me, yet seem not to. I can be like air, seeming to exist and yet not; you may see me, or ignore me. I do not care what anyone thinks of me, and I have no opinions about anyone or anything. I focus only on the endlessly marvelous spiritual world; everything outside it is dispensable.