Release Grief: Climb Out of Negative Emotions Quickly

Life is destined to bring many misfortunes, and especially so in middle age. This year, not only have I endured a series of partings and deaths, but two childhood friends close to me are suffering similar fates. The mother of one of my junior-high classmates has liver cancer; the older sister of another junior-high classmate just had surgery for a meningioma and is still in the ICU. Both were close friends from junior high, and both have turned to me for help with their relatives' illnesses; at this very moment they too are tormented by negative emotions.

This is a predicament we middle-aged people must face. When we were young, our relatives were healthy and our lives were full of hope; back then, negative emotions such as grief, anxiety, and depression had little to do with us. But by middle age, the misfortune of a close relative falling seriously ill comes to nearly everyone. No one escapes the natural law of birth, aging, illness, and death; loving parting is a pain each of us must endure. One day we ourselves will die, and when misfortune strikes us, grief inevitably attacks. The word "depression" was originally used to describe the state of mind of someone grieving a bereavement.

If at such a time we also encounter crises in career, family, or children's education, we can easily fall into the deep pit of anxiety and depression brought on by these misfortunes. At such moments, we must release our grief in time rather than toughing it out. We can be with our closest people and pour out our hearts to them. In front of them, release our grief in whatever form, accept their comfort, and not pretend to be strong.

People need intimate relationships; in grief they are essential. If our partner is enduring unbearable pain, we must stand with them, accompany them, and help them release their grief. If we have no such partner, we should seek out our best relatives and friends, be with them, release our grief, and pour out our troubles.

At such times, we must also lighten our own load. Ask to reduce work and household duties so we have time to process our emotions. If emotions are not released in time, they accumulate; when overlaid with exhaustion, they can easily cause physical and mental collapse, plunging us into the deep pit of anxiety and depression—and in severe cases even causing sudden death.

We must allow ourselves a short "strike period." Depression is actually a self-protection mechanism: when we can no longer withstand the blows, we fall into a brief depressive state (this is not the same as depressive disorder; brief depressive episodes are something every normal person goes through several times in a lifetime; only depression that does not ease for more than a year counts as depressive disorder). Our body and mind are both "on strike" because we need rest to gather energy and stand up again.

My WeChat contacts number nearly 5,000 all year round (so I often have to delete some to let people with recent needs add me). Of these, roughly 400-600 have psychological or psychiatric health problems such as maladjustment, emotional disorders, personality disorders, or psychotic disorders. I constantly deal with a group of unhappy people and am easily affected.

Over these years I have gradually mastered a set of quick ways to soothe my emotions. Whenever I suffer a major blow (such as a close relative falling seriously ill or dying), I "go on strike" myself: cut my workload, go out for exercise or short trips, go to lively, crowded places, let the joyful atmosphere of the crowd infect me, and force myself to watch comedy films I like. This helps a great deal in improving my mood.

The suffering of patients I am not close to can also trigger emotional reactions in me, but honestly the intensity and duration of those reactions are not as severe as the emotions brought on by the illness or death of my own relatives and friends. If I encounter negative emotions at work, I do not force myself to work; I immediately put the work down, go outside for a walk, breathe the fresh air, look at the scenery, and return to work only after the emotion has been discharged.

When our loved ones face major difficulties and we process our own emotional reactions, we must first eliminate guilt toward them. Do not feel that quickly moving out of grief is a betrayal. In fact, only by quickly moving out of grief can we better help the loved ones in difficulty.

If we suffer a bereavement, we must remember that our deceased loved one would very much not want us to wallow in grief and be unable to extricate ourselves. They would want us to move on from pain quickly, live our own lives well, and on their behalf care for the other relatives they worried about. So processing our emotions is not a lack of love for our relatives or a sign of being cold and unfeeling; rather, as adults we must quickly forget grief and dutifully care for other family members. Adults who bear the main responsibility for raising and caring for the family have no right to linger in grief, depression, and anxiety for too long. We must quickly pull ourselves out of various pains because we have responsibilities to family and society.

In the past I too was prone to negative emotions from sympathy for patients, but now, through quick emotional release, I no longer easily have intense, long-lasting emotional reactions to others' misfortunes. Patients do need our sympathy, but they need even more for us to calmly analyze their condition, search the literature, and seek the best solution. So for a doctor to learn quick emotional-processing skills is not being unsympathetic; it is truly taking better responsibility for the patient. Only when we ourselves are healthy can we bring health to others.

Some time ago I tested my Big Five personality; my score in emotional processing was very favorable. I am a low-neuroticism type (neuroticism score 1.7 out of 10), which shows that I am calm, not easily rattled, rarely emotional, and easily soothed. My ability to regulate my emotions is very good; whatever emotional state I encounter, I can quickly find an appropriate way to discharge it, calmly analyze the reasons behind it, and know how to avoid similar emotions next time. I can lead my own emotions and also help others calm theirs. This is related to years of professional practice.

When I have an emotional reaction, I do not avoid it or hide it; I expose it to the outside world—of course I do not put pressure on my relatives and friends in extreme ways. I let them know I am in an uncomfortable state and need their help, that they need to do something to keep me from falling into a more painful state. At the same time, I myself quickly bring pleasant experiences through exercise and entertainment. This way the negative emotion is quickly downgraded and positive emotion returns.

Moderate exercise combined with rest reduces stress; happiness heals pain; joy heals grief; a quiet, peaceful life heals a turbulent heart; any form of care comforts a wounded heart. Being human, we have the right to seek fortune and avoid harm, and the right and duty to save ourselves and be saved in painful moments. Usually we provide all kinds of help to our relatives and friends; in our painful moments, accepting their care and comfort is no disgrace. People are meant to live in groups; we sometimes need the comfort and care of our relatives and friends, and we need not feel guilty or ashamed about it.

In short, we may be sad, but we should not let sadness last too long, let alone let it destroy us. Everyone's way of releasing negative emotions may differ, but in normal times we must, according to our own habits, train a method of emotional release that suits us. We must also maintain our important relationships, actively giving in ordinary times; at critical moments these relationships really make a great difference to us.