Spring Musings
This week I tilled the vegetable plot, raked out several beds, and planted cabbage and lettuce. The chives already in the garden, once watered, began to grow rapidly. Every afternoon around three o'clock I ride my bicycle to the garden, put in half an hour or so of light farming, then return home; I count this as physical exercise.
This week my daily routine has gradually returned to normal: I can sleep seven hours at night and take a half-hour nap at noon. I still keep early hours, going to bed around nine or ten and rising at four or five to read and study. Over the past month my life had been badly disrupted by various family matters; now it is gradually returning to normal.
It has been over a week since I stopped daily updates to the official account, and the workload of online consultations has dropped considerably. But the daily workload has not diminished significantly; there are still many thorny problems to solve each day. I am trying to use WeChat less, hoping that after persisting for a month or two my workload will lighten, because I now need a great deal of time to study and prepare for exams.
Last year, because of the pandemic, I could not return to my hometown to register for the college entrance examination; this year I must not miss it again. If I register successfully this year, I will go back to my hometown to take the exam next year. My goal is not high—only 350 points, almost half the score I scored over twenty years ago; that score would get me into a TCM junior college. May this goal be realized; after next year's exam I can go to college for a few years.
I want to study the acupuncture and tuina specialty of Chinese medicine properly. If possible, during school I will take a second major and study Western clinical medicine as well. Over the next five to ten years I want to devote more than half my energy to study, improving myself, hoping that afterward I can use better medical skill to help patients with their suffering.
Since I chose the apprenticeship model of traditional Chinese medicine and began clinical practice under my master, I have witnessed too many people tormented by illness, suffering physically and mentally at the threshold of life and death; I often deeply regret not being able to help them. I have always felt it necessary to enter university again and systematically study medical knowledge to remedy my shortcomings and improve my success in treating critical and severe cases. It was only that the opportunity had not matured; now I can no longer say the opportunity is lacking. To delay further would be a matter of my own resolve, not of opportunity.
Recently my niece caught EBV and had just received an influenza A vaccine, with the result that a very serious problem arose; she nearly lost her life, was admitted to the ICU, and has still not fully escaped danger. These past two days, listening on video to the monitor beeping in her hospital room, I have felt both tense and heartsick. At such a moment I feel even more strongly the importance of further raising my medical skill. In studying medicine, both apprenticeship and formal schooling matter; combining the two is of great benefit to raising one's skill.
In this world many people suffer all kinds of disasters and undergo all kinds of pain. The lovelorn, the deceived, those who lost money, the imprisoned—all feel wretched, but none of these disasters and sufferings compares with being stricken by a fatal, serious illness. After all, other sufferings can be endured; this life-and-death suffering is not so easy to bear.
I grow fonder of medicine by the day and feel more and more that the medical profession is the one best suited to me. The few young apprentices I mentored are all taking the college entrance exam this year. My son chose mathematics without hesitation; another young apprentice thinks of studying philosophy; perhaps only one, or none, will end up studying medicine. I feel some regret about this outcome, but I will not force it. After all, when I was young I, too, once thought of becoming a mathematician or a philosopher; my son's foundation in logical thinking was laid by me, and the apprentices' introductory philosophy was taught by me. That they became interested in mathematics and philosophy is, in its own way, also my influence.
I once nurtured them carefully, hoping they would all become doctors who save the wounded and rescue the dying. But life holds many variables; the children's futures hold infinite possibilities, and one can only let nature take its course. I had hoped that someone among the next generation would inherit my wish and continue down the road of medical research that I cannot finish. Now it seems this wish will not easily be realized; I can only pray that I live longer myself and go further along this road. If in the future I meet young people whose aspirations fully align with mine, who feel that saving patients is the happiest thing in the world, I can join forces with them to realize this wish.
In all things there is the matter of karmic affinity; following one's affinity may be the best choice.