Wait Three Seconds, and Life Becomes Better

When I was twenty, my older brother spent some time training me to think for three seconds before every sentence, so that my speech would be more rigorous. The method was simple: as the elder brother, he stood beside me, and whenever I was about to speak, he would say: Wait three seconds, wait three seconds, wait three seconds.

This training benefited me greatly, although my eloquence dropped sharply thereafter. Only when talking with close friends can I still talk at length. After all, I learned to wait three seconds as an adult, not in early childhood. From an epigenetic perspective, only major environmental events in early childhood leave permanent marks on a person.

At thirty, for a while I was interested in "silent meditation" (bu yu chan), studying the Buddhist practice of "noble silence," simply not speaking. At gatherings I tried to stay silent, using only a smile to show I was listening attentively. I then made a discovery: in fact, most people would rather express themselves than listen, so a friend who is a good listener is more pleasant to be around. Although I spoke little, my friends felt very comfortable and relaxed with me.

By forty, the principle of waiting three seconds had permeated every part of my life. When I communicate with loved ones and notice they are emotionally agitated, I immediately remind myself to "wait three seconds" or to "stay silent." I let them speak, or suggest we shift the topic; I do not judge right or wrong on the spot, and we do not argue. We wait for another time, when everyone is calm, to discuss the issue again; the problem gets resolved more smoothly, and the relationship is not affected in the least — on the contrary, it grows deeper over time. When making promises to people, I also wait three seconds, thinking whether I can keep my word; if I can, I readily agree, and if I cannot, I tell them honestly.

Although my eloquence is poor, communicating with people in this way has been remarkably effective and avoids quarrels, so my relationships are harmonious. My mentor regards me as the most accomplished student he has ever taught, and takes pride in my achievements and cultivation.

At work, whenever anything unpleasant happens, I remind myself to immediately enter "wait three seconds" mode. First calm my mood, then see if I can look at the same problem from another angle. More often than not, I naturally become calm and at peace.

I am a slow person whose reactions are not as sharp as others, so in everything I do I prefer to wait three seconds and listen more. Think more before acting and reflect more afterward, to compensate for my shortcomings. The ancients said diligence can make up for clumsiness; a fool has his own fool's methods. Thinking diligently can indeed compensate for intellectual inadequacy. I named my study "Retreat-to-Reflection Hall" (Tui Si Tang), constantly reminding myself to step back and think — take a step back and reflect. The ancients also said that taking a step back opens up a vast horizon; because I often take that step back, my world is indeed broad and open.

I used to fail to appreciate the benefit of this clumsy method my brother taught me, but a few years ago, when buying a house in Beijing and short on cash, I made dozens of phone calls and borrowed nearly two million from friends and relatives in less than a day. Only then did I realize they had an excellent impression of me and that my reputation among them was sterling. For an ordinary person, being able to borrow that much money in a single day shows I am at least someone my relatives and friends trust and feel reassured about.

In The Story of Civilization (also translated as The Story of Civilization), the author Will Durant tells a story: a scholar from a civilized society went to ask the natives of a primitive tribe whether life had any troubles. The native replied: "Why should anyone have troubles? Doesn't he have friends?" The native's way of thinking put civilized people to shame.

We look around at all these civilized people hurrying through the streets, worry written on every face, few with a relaxed smile, and then we pride ourselves on being wiser than primitive tribespeople — how ironic! The native's alternative way of thinking is: if there is food now, I need not worry about anything; tomorrow's problems I will deal with tomorrow. So their pace of life is so slow that modern people envy it.

Why are some people quick-witted and others slow? Is it an IQ difference? Not necessarily. Their IQs may be comparable, and the slow person may even have a higher IQ. Because IQ is a composite concept, reaction speed is not the key determinant — comprehensive judgment is. Slow people may actually excel over quick people in comprehensive judgment. Einstein's reaction speed as a child was very slow; after his death, brain scientists found his glial cells were more developed than average.

Reaction speed is related to the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, the body's stress-response axis. When it is especially acute, a person responds quickly to environmental stimuli and appears sharp. But sharp people often suffer; they are generally more melancholic than slow people. In depressed patients the stress axis is so acute that it causes torment: they always overreact to subtle external stimuli, which makes them anxious and miserable. Quick-reacting people, though mentally agile and perceptive, usually cannot concentrate, cannot stick to one thing for long, and are prone to producing many ideas but accomplishing nothing.

Over-sharp people are sentimental, but also sensitive and anxious; they feel they do not quite fit in with the world. Over time they want to reduce contact with the outside world, and eventually become withdrawn. If they stay closed off longer, they become depressed; long-term lack of social interaction causes the brain to atrophy, and they may eventually develop Alzheimer's disease.

So waiting three seconds is no bad thing. It brings us a more pleasant mood and a steadier heart rate, smoother relationships, better health, and more mature judgment. Waiting three seconds reduces our anxiety by over 90% and brings interpersonal conflicts close to zero. The words of the ancients are often full of wisdom; for example, "haste makes waste" tells us that waiting three seconds is the key to success, while an urgent disposition often leads to failure.