Whenever I Feel Low, Thinking of My Mother Makes It Better

When I proposed marriage for the first time, I was rejected. After returning home, I lay face-down on the bed, covered my head with the quilt, and wept bitterly. My mother sat by the bed, stroking me and comforting me. She said: “My son! If that girl doesn't want us, it means there is something wrong with us; from now on we must strive to make something of ourselves. But you are not lacking either; don't be too sad. There will certainly be another girl who wants you.” As she spoke, she stroked my hand and wept with me. Of course, that failed proposal was only a temporary misunderstanding; in the end we did get married.

Looking back on my mother's words now, I really feel she was a remarkable mother. When her child encountered a setback, she did not completely shield him, but she also affirmed him positively, and at the same time accompanied me with warmth.

My mother's way of thinking was so balanced. When facing a problem, she engaged in both self-criticism and self-affirmation. At the same time, she used warmth to let me know that no matter what setbacks I encountered, my mother still loved me. Even if the whole world abandoned me, my birth mother would not. So throughout my life I have had a safe harbor, and that safe harbor is a mother's love.

My mother's way of thinking directly influenced me. Now, no matter what setback I encounter, I both look for my own problems and positively affirm my good side. I use reflection to dispel negative emotions such as depression and anger, and use self-affirmation to rebuild confidence. Moreover, although my mother has passed away, I can always still feel her watching me from afar with boundless loving-kindness, making me feel that I am still loved by her.

This allows my emotions to settle very easily. As long as I am still alive, the sky will not fall. I do not believe life's disasters last; after any setback, I can recover a positive, optimistic mindset. This is life's first sense of security, and it comes from our mothers. If we once received it, we can use it to heal all kinds of trauma throughout our lives.

Over a person's long life, psychological trauma is inevitable. Birth, aging, illness, death, parting from loved ones, unfulfilled desires, encountering what one resents, and the rising up of the five skandhas all bring us trauma. But we can recover from trauma; after falling we must get up. Who gives us the courage to get up? The biological law set by nature is that the mother gives everyone the courage to get up. A mother cared for us with her selfless love, gave us confidence, and built up our sense of security; we can draw on these to inject into ourselves the strength to be reborn.

But unfortunately, many people never received their mother's well-proportioned love, and they lack a sense of security all their lives. Such people are unfortunate; they suffer all their lives, have a poor ability to withstand setbacks, and must strive to build security for themselves.

Moreover, a mother's way of thinking has a great influence on children. The words my mother spoke while comforting me I still remember to this day; that was my mother's inherent way of thinking. Growing up, I absorbed by osmosis precisely this way of thinking of my mother: after anything happens, reflect on one's own fault, and if wrong, immediately admit and apologize; but also positively affirm the side where one is right, and do not let others' inappropriate criticism shake one's confidence. We take only the responsibility we should take, and never utterly deny ourselves because of any person or any thing.

If a mother over-protects her children, the child grows up selfish; if a mother over-criticizes her children, the child grows up lacking confidence. Only by teaching the child, as early as possible, to see things through the lens of dialectical duality can they view the outside world and themselves fairly, and avoid falling into the two extremes of obstinate refusal to admit fault and self-attack. The real world is gray, neither wholly black nor wholly white. Only after we have built such a thinking pattern can we deal fairly and equally with all things in the world.

I have also passed on my mother's way of thinking to my child, teaching him to view himself and others fairly. At the same time, I have taught him to live in this world with an attitude that is neither servile nor overbearing. We look down on no one, and we look up to no one; all people are our equals in dignity. Never envy or begrudge others' lives; live only in our own happiness.

This past summer, I took a special bicycle trip to my maternal grandmother's home; I had not been there for twenty or thirty years. My mother grew up in a small mountain village deep in the hills, living the simplest of lives and having received no formal education at all—she could not read a single character. But she had received a good moral upbringing, so without needing to study profound psychology, philosophy, or pedagogy, she could still raise a child with a whole heart. This made me realize that the very best education requires no great sums of money.

Moreover, whether a person's life is happy has nothing to do with education, family background, profession, wealth, or social status. If we can live in this world calmly and at ease, neither servile nor overbearing, then whether we have had a modern education, whether we are affluent, whether we have social standing, and whether we live long—none of these affects our inner happiness.

Life is a process of experience, and nothing more. As long as we harm neither ourselves nor others, we may fully pursue career success, romantic fulfillment, family harmony, and a comfortable, agreeable life; or we may not pursue these and instead enjoy art, beautiful scenery, and fine food. As long as it pleases us, whatever way of life we choose is fine.

I never think one way of life is better than another, nor that one person lives more superiorly than another. Unfortunate people deserve sympathy; if we can help them, we should, but we need not look on them with cold eyes. No one has the right to despise another person in this world.

For me, 2023 was a year of unceasing storms. But now all the storms have settled. I have entered into deep study. For me, the happiest things in this world are love, study, writing, and thinking. I love myself, and I love my family and friends and loved ones, and even the countless sentient beings unrelated to me—only the way I love each is not entirely the same.

Perhaps my love is clumsy, but it is sincere. Perhaps my IQ is not great, but my love of learning and thinking is genuine, and my interest in the pastoral life I love is enduring; that is enough. I need not win everyone's approval; as long as I approve of myself and those who love me approve of me, why should I care about others' opinions?

The world is vast, but happiness always lies only within our own hearts. Be content and self-sufficient, and we cannot lose our happiness.