The Winding Road to Full-Time Study

Several years ago I wanted to step out of practice for a few years of study, but it was always hard to realize because I was serving far too many patients. Recently I have finally gradually moved onto the track of full-time study. Strictly speaking, I am not yet fully out of practice, because I am still maintaining some patients; I have simply strictly limited my working hours to a fixed period each day—5:00 to 7:30 PM.

Reaching middle age with a not-inconsiderable workload, going full-time is extremely difficult. Family and work matters often derail the plan and make it hard to settle the mind to study. So my present step out of practice actually followed a transition period of more than a year. Over the past year I gradually reduced my workload while also calming my mind.

This summer, I have finally gradually entered a state close to true full-time study. Here I especially thank the National Library of China: this period, barring surprises, I line up at its door early every day. While queuing I take out a pocket book to study English; once the library opens I go in, find a power-equipped seat in the reading room, plug in my computer, listen to online lectures, and then do exercises to consolidate what I have learned. Each day I focus on a few knowledge points in one subject, learning while practicing; slowly, my mind has completely settled.

Recently I feel I am in much the same state as I was in the second year of senior high school. From nine in the morning to five in the afternoon I can force myself offline and study with great concentration in the library, taking a half-hour midday rest there. My memory is certainly not what it was in my youth, but my comprehension is far stronger; my study efficiency should be about on a par with my high-school years. Besides studying at the library by day, I have two other focused study periods: I rise at four each morning and study until seven, and from eight to nine in the evening, going to bed around nine-thirty.

In high school I was evenly balanced across all subjects, and the foundation laid then was quite solid; now that I study full-time I do not feel strained. Although middle-school and university textbooks have changed greatly since my youth, they are not enough to defeat me. Each day's study yields a definite gain, which makes the heart feel particularly full and content.

But where there is gain there is loss: once most of my energy goes into study, I cannot work as I used to. Short of reducing my workload there is no better option. I had wanted to balance work and study as far as possible, but in the end found it hard to have both fish and bear's paw. Limited energy can only go to limited work. After September I will have to reduce my workload further, because being unable to focus on work would delay patients.

This is a major turning point in my life. After our son went to college, my wife and I underwent a great change in mindset. We used to focus on our son's college entrance exams; now he is an adult and in college, and his road ahead is his to walk on his own. Freed of that responsibility, I am also adjusting my own life's direction.

In the second half of my life I neither need nor can work for money. The remaining journey is neither long nor short; if used well, a worthwhile career can still be built upon it. Having gone through the pains of stepping out to study, I believe there is still a long, smooth road ahead in my life. So, between coasting through a degree after re-entering university and studying seriously, I chose to study seriously. To study seriously I must pick up again the knowledge I have forgotten, because that knowledge is the foundation for deeper study; if the foundation is not firm, everything one learns is half-understood.

Middle-aged people, having tasted the bitter and the sweet of life and experienced the pain of parting and death, bring to study a piety different from the young. We have clearer goals, firmer willpower, greater self-discipline, and steadier emotions, which can slightly compensate for the disadvantages of age. I am not sure whether at my age I still have the creativity of my youth, but I am certain that even though no longer young, one can still accomplish things.

There is no turning back once the bow is drawn; keep walking forward. Leave no regrets behind.