Broadening Knowledge and Tolerance Can Improve Negative Emotions

Character advances with tolerance; tolerance grows with knowledge. Hence one who would deepen his character must broaden his tolerance; and one who would broaden his tolerance must enlarge his knowledge.

— Cai Gen Tan (Conversations from a Vegetable Root)

In a normal, steady life, the emotions of the great majority of people are stable. But when we meet major setbacks in life—for example, ourselves or a close one contracting a terminal illness, a dearest person parting from us in life or death, losing our spiritual support and financial means, family conflicts becoming so intense they are impossible to reconcile, or an intimate partner, family member, friend, child, or parent abusing us psychologically to an unbearable degree—it becomes hard for us to remain in a steady psychological state.

Most people, on meeting the above blows, may develop negative emotions such as depression, anxiety, grief, anger, sorrow, worry, self-blame, remorse, and shame. But generally such emotions fall within a normal range and can be calmed within a relatively short time. A smaller number of people, on meeting life's setbacks, find these negative emotions hard to soothe; they sink into them more easily and cannot extricate themselves, which leaves them mentally and physically exhausted and even affects their relationships and life, lowering their happiness.

There are also some people who, in daily life, already show very poor adaptability. They are more sensitive, suspicious, anxious, irritable, wounded, and depressed than ordinary people; things that to most people are very small can lead them to make mountains out of molehills and fly into rages, even to the point of utterly destroying a relationship. After doing these things, they in turn sink into self-blame and shame.

Ordinary people in a normal state have good cognitive ability and self-comforting ability (a brief loss of composure under abnormal circumstances cannot be diagnosed as a disease; if one remains numb even in abnormal circumstances, that is on the contrary a mental illness). So they find it relatively easy to walk out of mental predicaments. But some people have distortions in their cognition of objective reality—either excessive neglect or over-interpretation; the former are numb and under-reactive, the latter make mountains out of molehills and over-react.

In addition, for various reasons, everyone's self-comforting ability differs. Some have strong self-comforting; others have weak self-comforting. The former, after a period of being alone, have their emotions soothed; the latter, in solitude, are more prone to panic, unease, depression, and anxiety, and need others' comfort to settle down.

The reasons people develop all kinds of psychological and psychiatric disorders are both physiological and environmental. With the development of brain science, most contemporary brain scientists believe that depression, anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, and even the various personality disorders all have inborn genetic defects.

The Dutch brain scientist Dick Swaab (whose representative work is We Are Our Brains) proposed that the great majority of psychological and psychiatric patients have congenital brain damage; from the moment a person becomes a fertilized egg, his personality traits are already fated. Hence he argues that even heinous murderers can be forgiven, because everything they do is beyond their control, governed by a damaged brain; these people whose behavior is disordered because of a damaged brain deserve sympathy and should not be sentenced to death.

Likewise, such patients' acquired living environment is basically unchangeable. Because genes are inherited from one's parents, if the parents carry certain adverse genes their behavior is already fixed, and their fixed behavior makes their family environment very bad. So these people grow up in a bad family environment, and the behavioral habits they learned in the environment as children are hard to change. To onlookers it is they who are abnormal, but to them it is others who are abnormal. Behavior correction and treatment therefore become extraordinarily difficult.

Cognitive behavioral therapy, created by the contemporary psychologist Aaron T. Beck, is built on a foundation of compassion, tolerance, acceptance, and understanding. Aaron T. Beck held that, in order to correct a client's behavioral deviations, the therapist must first hold a compassionate attitude and fundamentally recognize that they too are not acting of their own free will; must acknowledge their feelings, accept them, understand them, and only then truly guide and help them improve their adaptability. Usually, when we say someone has a psychological or psychiatric disorder, its essence is actually that this person, because of congenital and acquired reasons, has certain cognitive distortions and character flaws that make them unable to fully adapt to their environment.

The original purpose of religion was also spiritual healing. In the early Buddhist scripture the Agamas there is a very interesting story. The Buddha was walking along the road with his disciples when he was mocked by a farmer. The farmer asked the Buddha: "You do not plow or sow; you live on others' alms. Are you not ashamed?" The Buddha's reply was that the farmer grows grain to provide food for society, while they themselves, by practicing teaching in the world, provide people with spiritual food; the two are equally important. After hearing the Buddha's reasoning, the farmer was convinced and took refuge in the Buddha.

Buddhism is a typical religion that advocates a compassionate heart and tolerance. The fundamental Buddhist doctrine holds that people are not guilty, which differs from Christianity's view that people have original sin. Buddhism holds that all arise from conditions and are by nature empty; because the four elements (ancient Indian philosophical schools all attributed the source of all things to earth, water, fire, and wind; this idea was common in the ancient Upanishads left in India) combine (that is, what we often call dependent origination), being arises.

This idea is the famous Buddhist doctrine of "dependent origination and empty nature," the foundation of all other Buddhist theories. Buddhism advocates tolerance without discrimination; it encourages believers to hold a compassionate, equal, and tolerant attitude toward all sentient beings. "Great sympathy without condition, great compassion with shared body." Ci (loving-kindness) is a universal love built on tolerance and unconditional; bei (compassion) is the great compassion Buddhism often speaks of, a heart of sympathy and pity.

From the standpoint of modern genetics, we not only inherited genes from both parents at the moment we became a fertilized egg, but also, in the early growing environment of life, were affected by the family environment and underwent epigenetic changes. Genes and growing environment act together to form our character traits, so the process by which our personality is formed indeed accords with the theory of dependent origination and empty nature.

Only by pursuing these cognitions to their root can we, from the bottom of our hearts, accept and forgive ourselves, and at the same time accept and forgive others. Once we accept and forgive ourselves, we will no longer be controlled by negative emotions such as self-blame and self-denial; once we accept and tolerate others, we will no longer have constant conflicts with others in daily life.

Many of our emotional reactions are necessary self-protective responses that organisms use when surviving in the natural environment. Negative emotions such as fear, anger, anxiety, and suspiciousness helped us fend off many dangers. In the age when humanity was still weak, it was precisely these emotional reactions that let us escape our natural predators and survive and multiply to this day.

The biological basis of these responses adapted to the natural environment formed specific genes and became part of the human gene pool. The human gene pool contains roughly 25,000-30,000 different genes; these genes determine our skin color, height, vision, dietary habits, character traits, and other aspects. Human genes are 99.9% identical, but that 0.1% difference creates enormous gaps between people, and between one family and another, one race and another.

Recently, the American scientist who discovered the double helix structure of DNA and won the Nobel Prize for it, James Watson, was universally denounced by the American public and expelled from Cold Spring Harbor Laboratory (a world-famous research institute) for proposing the view that, from a genetic standpoint, people are not equal. Although his views were somewhat extreme and offended people's faith in freedom and equality, he did point out a fact from a biological angle: because of genetic differences, there really are too many inequalities between people, and the equality we advocate is only limited equality.

I have always believed in the principle that all people are born equal, but now I too am inclined to think that people are equal only in the rights and dignity of being human, and in many other respects equality is hard to achieve. Some children are born into misfortune, entangled with malignant tumors and hardly able to live to adulthood; where is the equality of fate toward them? Some people inherit bad genes and fall ill with physical or psychiatric disorders, are born disabled, cannot adapt to nature and society, and have no ability to work or survive; where is equality for them?

An ideal society is one in which every healthy person has a certain compassionate heart, fulfills some altruistic duties, contributes something to the disabled or terminally ill in society, and provides them with welfare security. Medical care should also be a humanitarian undertaking, extending necessary relief to the weak. But regrettably, medical care nowadays mostly serves the wealthy, while those who truly need medical care most are often the poor.

Personality psychology holds that, because of congenital genes and acquired environment, many people display different personality traits; some traits are very harmful, destroy interpersonal relationships, and cause many conflicts, which in turn plunge some people into negative emotions such as anxiety, depression, anger, impulsiveness, pain, and emptiness. Only by correcting these harmful personality traits can we fundamentally raise our ability to adapt to the environment, improve our quality of life, and increase our happiness.

The following twelve personality types are common personality traits.

Paranoid type: irritable and hot-tempered, suspicious, unable to accept criticism, unable to trust others, always feeling that there is nothing wrong with oneself and that all problems belong to others, rigid thinking, stubborn character, prone to distorting others' normal words or deeds. Schizoid type: habitually withdrawn, unable to perceive others' feelings, unable to understand normal social etiquette; emotionally detached, disliking socializing, having few close friends apart from blood relatives, no interest in forming close relationships with others, possibly even sexually indifferent; reacting coldly to both criticism and praise from others. Schizoid individuals are mostly single, and those who marry easily divorce. Schizotypal type: has strange beliefs or unusual perceptual experiences; in severe cases believes in ghosts and gods, fortune, and supernormal powers; has transient or frequent hallucinations, believing he can see people or things that do not exist; believes he has unique gifts; pays no attention to outward appearance, speaks oddly. Antisocial type: disregards social moral norms, codes of conduct, and obligations; prone to impulsive crime; daily behavior is no different from normal people, but the character is impulsive, behavior does not consider consequences, and one frequently does irresponsible things; lacks self-reflection and compassion, and rarely feels guilty when harming others. Borderline type: frequently loses emotional control; interpersonal relationships and self-image are unstable; in severe cases may engage in self-harming behavior (e.g., excessive spending, sexual promiscuity, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating); emotions are unstable, changeable, and fluctuating back and forth; feels chronically empty. Histrionic type: tends to have exaggerated emotional expression, craves attention, is easily influenced by others, and is easily hurt emotionally; behaves in a very self-centered way, has a tendency to demand things of others, and on meeting unsatisfying things may act with disregard for consequences, causing embarrassment; behaves in a way that over-attracts the opposite sex in appearance and conduct. Narcissistic type: sensitive to criticism from others, often in a state of anger, shame, or humiliation, yet oneself likes to satisfy self-dignity by criticizing and belittling others; grossly exaggerates one's own talents, but in front of the strong easily feels inferior, and is also prone to inferiority and self-blame when denied; has unmerited fantasies about success, power, honor, beauty, or ideal love; is strongly jealous; has a sense of entitlement; handles intimate relationships crudely, easily causing great psychological trauma to a partner and children. Usually, the children of narcissistic parents mostly have personality problems. Avoidant type: fears criticism and rejection, and avoids interpersonal contact out of worry about being excluded by others; tends to underestimate oneself, dares not voice one's true thoughts; in romantic life tends to constantly doubt one's partner, likes highly independent work, and shuns socializing. Dependent type: very poor independence, always feeling one needs others' care, support, and advice; regards oneself as weak and others as strong; complies with others' will, and in order to obtain others' care is willing to sacrifice the self, stoop to compromise, and ingratiate oneself. When an intimate relationship ends, one feels abandoned, becomes depressed or has suicidal thoughts, and needs to quickly begin a new romance. Obsessive-compulsive type: has excessively high standards for oneself, pays attention to detail, order, morality, procedure, and past experience; has perfectionist tendencies, is rigid and demanding; has an excessive need for control, is prone to being critical of oneself and others, and has difficulty getting along with people. Passive-aggressive type: poor cooperativeness; in cooperating with others is outwardly compliant but inwardly resistant, even with aggressive tendencies; strongly resists being controlled or exploited, and easily develops anxiety and resistance when cooperating with others. Depressive type: inwardly negative and pessimistic, prone to feelings of emptiness and fragility, feels life is meaningless and one's own life worthless; easily disappointed in others, has low life satisfaction, prone to anxiety and gloom, feels oneself powerless, rarely truly happy, and lacks positive emotions.

These twelve harmful personality types are all ones each of us may have to some degree. It is just that some people over-display in certain respects, so much so that it seriously affects their own lives and the happiness of their family, finally making themselves the troublemaker of the family and easily sinking into negative emotions such as isolation, depression, anxiety, irritability, anger, fear, and worry.

Usually these personality types are formed by the combined action of congenital genes and an adverse acquired upbringing, and are constantly reinforced in life, making them very hard to change. But they are not unchangeable. The American psychologist Dr. Carol S. Dweck, in her book Mindset, put forward the view that there are two major types of thinking: one is the fixed mindset, the other is the growth mindset. Those with a fixed mindset easily remain unchanged, believing that nothing can be changed and that fate is already fated; they believe in fatalism. Those with a growth mindset, by contrast, are spirited, constantly surpassing themselves, and believe that "my fate is up to me, not up to heaven." Some personality traits that seem fixed can, by adjusting one's mindset, be gradually changed.

Those with severe personality traits become personality disorder patients. If we have such a personality-disordered person around us, my personal stance is to accept them, love them, help them find a doctor, and accompany them in recovery, but not to abandon them. I have such people around me, and at present this is exactly the principle I follow.

There are also some effective methods for managing one's own easily provoked emotions. For example, Burns' Feeling Good (cognitive therapy) and dialectical behavior therapy; these will be of some help to people who are easily emotional. These are some ways to change the self from the perspective of Western psychology.

Our Eastern wisdom has a long, deep, and broad tradition; within the various schools of Confucianism, Buddhism, and Daoism there are also many ways to cultivate the self, improve one's refinement, and change the self. The Confucian program of rectifying the mind, making the will sincere, investigating things, extending knowledge, cultivating the self, regulating the family, governing the state, and bringing peace to the world is a complete system of mental cultivation; if we can do the first six well, we can also raise our mental realm and break through some of our personality flaws. The Confucian methods of quiet sitting and inner reflection are also good ways to manage emotions. Daoism too has much of value; Laozi and Zhuangzi have both provided us with many excellent means of mental cultivation.

But as for refining one's spiritual cultivation, the most complete in thought and method is Buddhism. The Six Paramitas of Buddhism (precepts, patience, giving, meditation, diligence, and wisdom) form a complete system of spiritual training, encompassing both cognition and behavior; many Western psychotherapies borrow from Buddhist cultivation methods. The founder of Buddhism, Sakyamuni, and the later great scholar Nagarjuna are listed among the world's ten greatest philosophers—not without reason. Buddhism has a complete system for helping people transform body and mind, but this complete system is not easy to put into practice. For ordinary people, one truly needs a compassionate teacher in order to learn the genuine Buddhist Six Paramitas.

Keeping precepts requires us to do some things and not do others; Buddhism has many precepts, both for monastics and for lay followers. But briefly, they can be summed up as the ten good and ten evil acts. Buddhism holds that killing, stealing, lust, double-tongue, harsh speech, lying, frivolous speech, envy, anger, and delusion are the ten evils; when these ten evils are stopped, they become the ten goods. Keeping precepts requires us to "do no evil, practice all good"; this in itself can reduce many interpersonal conflicts.

Patience (ksanti) requires us to restrain our emotions. We may meet things that displease us; at such times Buddhism asks us to adopt an accepting attitude toward unchangeable facts, not to become angry, not to put up excessive resistance, and to forgive others.

Giving (dana) requires us to have a compassionate heart and to donate our possessions, wisdom, and even body parts to others—the most famous story of cutting one's flesh to feed an eagle tells of how the Buddha could even give his own flesh to an eagle to eat. The Buddhist technical terms are giving of wealth, giving of teaching, and giving of fearlessness. We certainly do not now advise people to casually discard their body organs, but one can indeed help others in many ways and broaden one's tolerance.

Meditation (dhyana) is a special cultivation method that calms the self through quiet sitting and observing the mind. The sitting meditation we usually speak of is one form of dhyana, but the more advanced dhyana is what the Platform Sutra of the Sixth Patriarch calls: "No inner disturbance is samadhi; freedom from outer marks is zen." This state can only be reached once wisdom and experience have accumulated to a certain level.

Diligence (virya) is the spirit and behavior of constantly surpassing and improving oneself. When we have already improved part of the way, we set ourselves a few more demands, further challenge ourselves, and improve ourselves. This is actually very similar to the growth mindset.

Prajna (wisdom) is the ultimate treasure of spiritual liberation. Prajna is hard to translate into Chinese; it is actually a wisdom in which knowledge and action are one, or, in Buddhist terms, enlightenment and practice are one. It is the state in which faith, vow, and practice have all reached a certain height and have been internalized as part of one's own spirit. In this state, a person is already freed from suffering.

So the Buddhist Six Paramitas are also a self-cultivation method I often recommend to patients who find it hard to calm their inner emotions. I myself have repeatedly used the Buddhist Six Paramitas to raise my own spiritual endurance, so when I realize I have sunk into mental pressure, I begin to spend a period in solitude (analogous to a Buddhist retreat), using the theory of the Six Paramitas to help myself complete a crossing. After this process is complete, the level of thought rises another notch and the spiritual pain is released.

I was born into a Buddhist family and have myself read many Buddhist works. Although I am a convinced atheist, I have the utmost admiration for the Buddhist method of spiritual cultivation through the Six Paramitas; the Six Paramitas are a perfect combination of cognitive and behavioral therapy. I feel that anyone who, under the guidance of reason, adopts these six methods of self-cultivation can continually raise their spiritual core.

But as the Buddhist sutras say, "heretical teachers preaching are as numerous as the Ganges sands." From its very birth, Buddhism has become a tool for many people to make a profit. In order to profit from it, many people added things to Buddhism that the Buddha himself would not have recognized, finally causing Buddhism to lose its original form. To the point that many people who take up Buddhism go astray and, instead of obtaining liberation, end up harmed. There are even those who use religion to defraud money and sex, committing every evil. These are all things we must be vigilant about.

If, after reading this article, you wish to learn more about the deeper knowledge mentioned here, better manage your emotions, and increase your sense of happiness, you may refer to the following works:

Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy (David Burns); Cognitive Behavior Therapy for Personality Disorders (Aaron T. Beck et al.); Dialectical Behavior Therapy (Matthew McKay et al.); Mindset (Carol Dweck); The Sutra of Forty-two Sections; Personality: What Makes You You (Daniel Nettle); Emotional Blackmail (Susan Forward); The Gaslight Effect (Robin Stern); The Middle Passage: From Misery to Meaning in Midlife (James Hollis); Learned Helplessness (Seligman); and Authentic Happiness (Seligman).

Human growth is a process that never ceases in a lifetime. May you, in your constant reading and reflection, become a better version of yourself.