Forgetting Is Also a Kind of Medicine

Sometimes, compared with remembering, what we need more is to forget.

— Epigraph

Some patients' family members, after their loved ones pass away, take a very long time to come out of grief. I generally advise them to start by gradually throwing away the deceased's belongings bit by bit, so as to gradually forget and let go. Because if they always keep these mementos, they cannot help but see the objects and think of the person. In fact, this is not a good approach. Separation and death often cause enormous psychological trauma; dwelling excessively on them seriously harms one's health and can even cause sudden death. Constantly remembering a deceased loved one can, through excessive grief, cause cardiovascular and cerebrovascular disease.

I have personal experience of this. When my mother passed away, I fainted from excessive grief. Fortunately, a cousin of mine who had studied medicine was with me and gave me emergency care. Of course, the fainting itself was not fatal, though it certainly looked frightening and dangerous. My bond with my mother was very deep; I cared for her for many years after she fell ill. When she died, I was both exhausted and grief-stricken; fortunately, I was only in my early thirties at the time, and my organs could still endure. If such grief had struck after the age of fifty, it would have been hard to guarantee no sudden death.

On another occasion, because of an emotional shock, I woke up in the middle of the night from a dream with a pounding heart and could feel my body trembling. At first I could not make sense of it; a few days later, I felt discomfort on the left side of my heart and my left hand shook. Only then did I realize that the heart-pounding in the dream was a reaction caused by an excessive emotional response. Excessive grief can indeed cause heart problems; if not attended to, it can even trigger sudden death. From ancient times to the present, many people have died suddenly from heartbreak; this is why the ancients said that deep affection shortens life.

So we must indeed avoid excessive grief. Most people's excessive grief in this world arises basically from two things: parting from the living and parting through death. It is very necessary to receive death education from childhood, because every one of us must go through multiple deaths in a lifetime. It is also better to experience emotional setbacks while young; after all, when young the body can still bear it. As one ages, the heart and blood vessels are less elastic than in youth; when suffering similar pain, one is more fragile and prone to acute cardiovascular and cerebrovascular events, which in severe cases cause sudden death.

Grief also should not last too long, and still less should it be artificially prolonged. In the past, folk tradition held that after a family member died, monks and Taoists should be invited to perform deliverance rituals, seven sets of seven (qizi) in all, one every seven days, with each ritual accompanied by throwing away a portion of the deceased's belongings. This step-by-step disposal of belongings gradually lessens the pain each time. It avoids on the one hand the relatives being overwhelmed by discarding everything at once, and on the other hand gradually reduces the occasions for seeing objects and thinking of the person, slowly easing the survivors' grief.

When lovers break up, essentially the same method can be applied. Romantic love between the sexes is naturally one of the strongest emotions; when a couple cannot continue together for whatever reason, both hearts break. Overly devoted people may even die for love—though this is certainly not to be encouraged. Life happens only once, and each person's life belongs not only to themselves; we also have responsibilities to our loved ones and cannot casually throw it away.

And since we cannot completely avoid romantic heartbreak in this life, we need to learn ways to ease the pain. After a breakup, one should also gradually reduce the occasions for seeing objects and scenes that stir memories. Gifts from the lover should be gradually discarded, while visits to places once shared should gradually decrease. This method helps us emerge from pain faster and welcome a new life.

If a relationship cannot be salvaged, then for a period of time one should avoid contact with the former lover—the length of this period depends on the person: the deeply affectionate need longer, while the less attached recover quickly. Such an approach is an act of compassion toward both parties, because only separation can better allow time to do its healing work. Even if the two must interact later, they should wait until the wounds have healed. Otherwise, continued contact easily causes the emotional wound to flare up repeatedly, which is very tormenting—this is the slow knife cutting flesh. A wound that has finally scabbed over is torn open again, and one suffers all over again; it is truly no less painful than death by a thousand cuts.

We often say that time is the best medicine for healing pain because time helps us forget many things. If we cannot immediately ease the present pain, we must trust in time. Trust that, with time's help, we will forget. Do not deliberately reinforce your memory, and forgetting will happen faster. However we reinforce our memory, when we want to forget, simply do the opposite.

This method can be universally applied to resolving all kinds of common psychological pain.