Let Toxic Stress Go to Hell
On the day of Awakening of Insects, I shouldered a spade and went to my rented little vegetable plot to turn the soil. After working for a while, I felt relaxed in body and mind. I had been watching news of the Russia-Ukraine war and nuclear deterrence every day and felt deeply depressed; after an afternoon of labor, that depression was swept away.
Labor is genuinely a great stress reliever. I had not planned to keep renting land to grow vegetables this year, because I am preparing to retake the college entrance exam and review takes a lot of time. But after this afternoon's work, I felt so good that I resolved to keep gardening. Exam revision matters, of course, but physical and mental health matter more. I do not care that much about fame, wealth, and social status; I value quality of life more. At my age, having seen so many dying patients, everything can be let go. Social status is nice to have, but it is fine without it.
The pandemic plus war has depressed most people globally. I saw foreign media interviewing people in Europe, and ordinary Europeans saying they were afraid. Our own media are less open and rarely interview people on such issues, so even if Chinese residents feel depressed, there is no public reporting. Mainstream media focus only on positive news; they want to prove we live happily without suffering, and dare not touch such topics. That is understandable, but everyone knows it is just self-deception like plugging one's ears to steal a bell.
Nuclear deterrence has put pressure on people worldwide; the longer it lasts, the more that pressure takes on the character of toxic stress. So those who launch nuclear deterrence are the public enemies of most people on earth.
The scientists who developed nuclear weapons surely never imagined that one day these weapons would become a tool by which warmongers threatened the whole world. Had they known, they likely would have refused to develop such weapons, because most scientists have a conscience. Many scientists participated in the Manhattan Project to build the atomic bomb; at the time they were full of passion to end World War II started by Hitler, but never foresaw that someone might later use nuclear weapons to trigger a third world war.
We live in an imperfect world, perhaps with an imperfect family or an imperfect job. These external circumstances, together with internal factors, can produce toxic stress. Bearing toxic stress for a long time makes people ill. Over half of cancer patients endure toxic stress long-term in their lives, and about a third have a tendency toward depression. Cancer is a multifactorial disease, and toxic stress is one factor. Toxic stress also causes mental disorders such as depression, anxiety disorders, phobias, and obsessive-compulsive disorder; cardiovascular and cerebrovascular diseases and hypertension are also related to it.
By toxic stress we mean strong, frequent, or prolonged stress. For example, poor-quality caregiving, a chaotic family environment, work environment, social and political environment, or persistent threats to survival can all subject the body to toxic stress. Toxic stress affects brain development and triggers changes in the brain's physical structure; bearing it long-term leads to various diseases.
Two related concepts exist: tolerable stress and positive stress. These do not cause disease; positive stress is even the driving force of human progress.
Tolerable stress is stress strong enough to affect the brain's physical structure but short in duration or relieved by support from family and friends. Positive stress is short-term and moderate—for example, the not-serious pressures we encounter in study and work; these raise our efficiency and make us effective people, which is good for us.
So we need not fear all stress. In raising children, we should let them face positive stress while protecting them from toxic stress. If a child encounters fairly strong stress, we should skillfully relieve it so it becomes tolerable stress.
The same goes for ourselves: we must never let ourselves be suppressed for too long. Fairly strong stress lasting more than two weeks (count as strong if it makes one persistently unhappy) becomes toxic stress, whether caused by fatigue or by mental upset. So in life we must be good at resting and have stress-relieving outlets.
The broader a person's interests, the more stress-relieving outlets he has. Outside work, one should have at least two or three hobbies. With only one hobby, we can easily grow tired of it; with two or three, we can switch among them and avoid boredom. My own interests are broad: gardening, growing flowers, playing the piano, cycling, reading, writing, and I am constantly inspired by love, so I am not prone to toxic stress myself.
Of course, this does not mean I have never had toxic stress; in fact I may often have it. For example, when a seriously ill patient's life is threatened and I have just taken him on, I may go through a period of toxic stress. When a close relative or loved one falls ill, I may have it too. I have had alopecia areata several times, but each time signs appear, it puts me on alert. Alopecia areata signals toxic stress; at the first sign I immediately adjust my workload and pace of life and take appropriate medicine (the Chinese patent medicine Erzhi Wan works well for me). Each time I have cured the alopecia areata in under a month, and the toxic stress is converted into tolerable stress.
Some people are more prone to toxic stress: those with very high self-demand and overly harsh life plans easily stay immersed in it long-term. Life plans had better be loose; I actually dislike making detailed life plans. I think a life direction is enough; there is no need for rigid plans, and letting things take their course is the easiest.
We can choose a cause we love as our life direction and strive toward it; three-year and five-year plans and grand goals are gilding the lily. I have never liked working within the system, because the system has too many annual plans. It is also best not to change one's life direction often, which does not help accumulate experience. For people living in the world, doing the work one has most experience in is the easiest. The ancients said that frequent resolutions are not as good as one long-held resolve; that is probably the point. I do not like running with trends—that is too tiring; with a fixed life direction, one need not care how the outside world changes.
I have learned this: if we want to do something well within one year, it is surely stressful; if we want to do it well within one month, it is unrealistic and will crush us with anxiety. I plan for a lifetime and keep imagining how good the future will be; in such imagining I do not feel discontent with the present. The mere thought that my present efforts will make me happy in the future delights me, which is why my brother always calls me an incurable blind optimist.
In effect, I am giving up short-term plans and executing a lifelong plan. Short-term plans always make adrenaline surge and stress pile up; such plans are not pleasant. What is a utilitarian? In essence a short-termist, the kind of person who eyes immediate gains. If we hold to a long-term direction, our mindset is much calmer. We will unhurriedly break what we must do into small, easily completed goals; pursuing small goals brings neither pressure nor anxiety.
As small goals gather, our wish is fulfilled before we know it. We Chinese have a saying for this: "thick accumulation, gradual release; great tools mature late." That is exactly what my teacher taught me. Also, it is best not to set ultimate goals; life is an endless process, and pursuing an ultimate goal is unrealistic. With such an attitude, one is unlikely to have lifelong toxic stress. Many people are too hasty, spending most of their lives in toxic stress and losing precious health because of it.
Beyond this, relationships matter. Mr. Russell said that, apart from physical health, relationships built on mutual help and love are life's most important source of happiness. To avoid too much toxic stress, someone must share our burden. If someone shares it, strong or prolonged pressures that could become toxic stress can be converted into tolerable stress. People who live too isolated lives easily develop Alzheimer's in old age, because toxic stress causes the brain to shrink.
As for how to maintain good relationships, everyone has his own answer. But as far as I know, the best way is to love and care for others unconditionally rather than to nitpick and find fault with those we love.
Whether the person we love is a life partner or relative, teacher or classmate, colleague or friend, we should love them unconditionally and accept all their traits rather than trying to make them change to suit us—love is understanding and support, not possession and confinement. Those who violate this principle are usually not loving a person but merely demanding that person's care and compliance.
Let us not be picky people, nor make friends or lovers of those who are picky toward us. For blood relatives, we should try to understand more. If family relationships are hard to manage, one can seek help from a family counselor—among psychological counselors there are family therapists who specialize in adjusting family relationships. Happy family life, romantic relationships, teacher-student bonds, and friendships do exist; I am satisfied with my own close relationships and would give full marks to my friends, teachers, relatives, and loved ones.
In junior high, a Chinese-language teacher told me a life lesson: "Whoever speaks of others' faults is himself a fault-bearing person." If someone badmouths others in front of us, he is not worth associating with, because he will badmouth us to others; my teacher said human behavior is consistent.
His words greatly inspired me. I now use the principle of behavioral consistency to judge whether to build a friendly relationship with someone. For example, if someone once shows disregard for another person's life, I will not become close friends with him, because he will certainly disregard others' lives at other times. People cannot hide themselves; the information their words and expressions reveal lets others judge them correctly.
Of course we should not write people off completely, because people can change; some do turn around. It is just that on major matters of principle they may not change easily, which relates to environmental influences early in life. Even professional psychologists may not correct someone's worldview and outlook, let alone ordinary people; so in daily life it makes sense to keep away from people whose values clash with ours.
Making a bad friend, or finding Mr. or Ms. Wrong rather than Mr. or Ms. Right in marriage, is a source of suffering. It creates toxic stress when we are with a particular person; unsuitable marriages and friendships bring lasting toxic stress and should be ended as early as possible.
Doing these few things, we can tell toxic stress to go to hell.