A Life Half a Beat Slow
Perhaps it is my nature, but the life I have always lived has been half a beat slower than society. In high school I liked to sit alone in a corner of the classroom, unnoticed and undisturbed, reading my own books and writing what I wanted to write.
Although smartphones had already spread throughout China as early as 2013, my own family of three did not get our first smartphone until the second half of 2015. And during the three years from 2012 to 2015, I did not even have an old-fashioned phone. In 2012 I lost an old flip phone, and after that I simply went without a phone for three whole years.
Don't suspect that I lag behind the times on this issue because I am a layman when it comes to technology products. My ability to teach myself is decent; I have previously taught myself programming, and even now my personal website is maintained by myself—managing the domain name and server, modifying code, and even dealing with hackers, I never leave it to anyone else.
I actively chose to lag half a beat behind society. Staying too close to fashion and trends weighs on a person until they can hardly breathe, but willingly being someone who lags half a beat behind society can be much more relaxed and leisurely. I do not encourage my son to show off at school, and his poor exam results are never a cause for worry on my part.
This official account of mine was also opened only at the request of my patients (they wanted to read the various medical articles and life essays I write, and some patients felt this helped their rehabilitation). Before that, when everyone else was feverishly setting up official accounts, I couldn't be bothered to do it either.
Constantly pursuing what is cutting-edge and keeping exactly in step with the times really tests human nerves. I admit I am a stuffy fellow with poor psychological resilience; I have never wanted to work at full mental and physical capacity, and I am only willing to exert 70 or 80 percent of my strength to deal with life and my career. If I were made to work at full load for a long time, I think I would break down.
So someone like me ends up only being half a beat slower than everyone else. But I have one strength: I have enough stamina, and I can persevere day after day, for a whole lifetime, in the career I love.
I do not want my life and work to be led by others' rhythm; I like to move forward at my own unhurried pace. Whether I ultimately succeed is not important, because success is not my goal. I enjoy advancing without pressure in the career I love.
Over all these years I have understood one thing: I am not suited to working under pressure. As soon as there is pressure, I am bound to do a poor job of something. My academic performance in high school was excellent; I could top the whole school in every subject, but living under the pressure of being number one almost broke me mentally.
From then on I knew I was not suited to studying under pressure. Without competition, without pressure, and without anyone holding overly high expectations of me, my ability can be brought to its utmost. I have always questioned the reasonableness of the saying that pressure creates motivation; as far as I am concerned, this saying is a load of supernatural nonsense.
After choosing a life half a beat slow, I saw another landscape of life. Now I am able to live at ease, able not to be led by the nose by society, by public opinion, or by trends, moving forward unhurriedly. This is really thanks to my silent resistance to those cutting-edge fads.
In the film A Round of Bright Moon there is a scene: as the Venerable Master Hong Yi is on his deathbed, countless lotus lanterns float up on the river, and a child playing with a spinning top is playing on the bridge. Suddenly the voice of Master Hong Yi's mother rings out: "Sanlang (Hong Yi's childhood name), come home for dinner." The dying Master Hong Yi seems to have returned to his own childhood.
That scene brought tears to my eyes. This is our truest need in this world—no achievement can match this purest love and this most genuine human nature.
Living in this world, I do not want to become a pioneer leading fashion trends, nor do I want to be anyone's spiritual teacher. The woman who gave birth to me is gone; I only hope that there is a woman I love and who loves me, someone who accepts this unkempt, unreliable person like me, to accompany me through the rest of my life. No matter how fierce the storm outside, wherever she is will be a calm harbor. With this, enough; why seek more? The time saved by being half a beat slow, I wish to spend entirely on the people I love.
For me, the most memorable time was also that period when I hid in a corner quietly reading. Choosing one person to accompany me in living such a life is my true dream; as for the other things gained along the way, they are merely by-products—having them is fine, and not having them is no big deal.
So now I choose to take another step back, retreating to a quieter corner, to a state undisturbed by anyone, to live the life I like, do the things I love, and study the learning I enjoy. In the long river of years, accumulating bit by bit, unhurriedly.