On the Emotion of Disappointment
There have been quite a few big news stories lately; the one that caught my attention most was about the mathematician Yitang Zhang—because my son’s dream is to become a mathematician. This Chinese-American mathematician, who rose to fame only late in life, quoted a line from Du Fu: “Yu Xin was most desolate all his life; in his twilight years his verse moved the rivers and passes.” Mr. Zhang is a model of late blooming: unknown in his early years, world-famous in his old age, his story quite closely resembles that of Yu Xin.Actually, among idealists, Mr. Zhang is the lucky one, because he at least had his twilight years when his verse moved the rivers and passes. The great majority of idealists never realize their dreams in a lifetime, never accomplish anything earth-shattering, and die unknown.I myself, for instance, may well end up that way. I have lived by idealism all my life, yet in the end I may achieve nothing. From the name my father gave me you can see how high his hopes were for me, and yet I probably will not fulfill his wishes. Then there is my son, who loves mathematics and physics and has set his heart on making achievements in them, but he too may live and die unknown. To be honest, we are not especially gifted people; it is hard for us to accomplish great things, and perhaps we can only be ordinary.So we may not even have the chance to compare ourselves to that line about Yu Xin. Would such an awkward life not be disappointing? Of course it would. As a boy I could never have accepted living my life in obscurity; back then I truly had soaring ambitions.One of life’s great misfortunes is to have great ambitions but scant talent, because such a person easily ends up frustrated and unfulfilled. In my youth I spent several years feeling exactly that way. The person I am now—calm and untroubled by it all—was not always so serene when I was young.Although a lifetime holds many disappointments, I suspect the disappointment of unfulfilled ambition may be the hardest to bear. Throughout history there have been many great poets and lyricists whose true ambition was never to write poetry, but to achieve military and political deeds. Frustrated in those ambitions, they wrote melancholy verses that unexpectedly moved people’s hearts, and in the end they became literary masters almost by accident—Du Fu and Xin Qiji are examples; one might call it willow shade growing where one never planted willows. But ordinary people like me, though we can scribble a little, lack outstanding literary talent, so such an accidental stroke of good fortune will never fall to us.Fortunately, Mr. Darwin pointed a clear way for people like me. Darwin said that over the long history of evolution, the organisms that ultimately survive and reproduce are not the smartest or strongest of their kind, but those best able to adapt. After studying Darwin’s theory of evolution, I made my peace with my disappointing life. It turns out that to survive, one need not stand out above others; what matters is strong adaptability. That adaptability naturally includes adapting to one’s own failures. If a person can remain unmoved by external gains and unmoved by personal setbacks, then even without others’ achievements, they can live a good life.Perhaps because I have known so much disappointment—setbacks are routine for an overreaching underachiever like me—or perhaps because I have read essays and books like Darwin’s evolutionary theory, by the age I have reached (or rather, as long as ten-plus years ago) I had developed solid immunity to disheartening setbacks. Life is simply no more than this. What of it if one cannot become famous in youth? What of it if one cannot ride the great wind as clouds rise on high, return home in glory commanding all the land? What of it if one cannot in old age make one’s verse move the rivers and passes? Does Du Fu not have another line—you yourselves will perish, body and name, while the great rivers flow on forever—that is enough to set plain, unremarkable folks like us at ease?All these years I have been giving my son every kind of psychological inoculation, always telling him that failure is no great thing and not worth our brooding over. I tell him not to do anything for the sake of reputation or achievement; to follow his own feelings, live whatever kind of life he loves, delve into whatever he enjoys; and that it does not matter if he ends up accomplishing nothing, so long as he is healthy in body and mind. Who is born merely to achieve? As one creature among the living world, coming into this world for a single passage, the most important thing is to make one’s life a little more interesting, a little happier, a little more at ease—not to chase fame and success.Going a step further, we should not be too attached even to the gains and losses of daily life, let alone to our ultimate achievements. The feeling of disappointment is unavoidable, of course, but we can dilute it as much as possible and keep it from affecting our lives.The best way to deal with the unpleasant feeling of disappointment is to hold no expectations at all in one’s heart; it is enough to spend a lifetime immersed in the work one loves. Set no goals for yourself, and never compare yourself with others. Life, at most, is nothing but a process from birth to death; nothing external matters. So long as you find your own joy and spend your whole life absorbed in it, that is enough. We need not paste labels on such a life—a successful life, a happy life, or the like. So long as it satisfies you, why care about anything else?