Patience Is Not a Virtue, but I Chose It to Survive

The world is not perfect; evil is often difficult to punish, justice is difficult to uphold, and the fate of warriors is mostly tragic. But those warriors who uphold justice are exactly the people I deeply admire from the bottom of my heart. Although out of cowardice I dare not walk with them, I am full of respect for their acts of upholding justice even at the cost of their own lives.

At the same time, I deeply despise those who fish for fame and reputation; they dare not fight against truly dark forces, yet they always like to use evil words to incite the emotions of those who cannot distinguish right from wrong, bullying vulnerable groups like themselves, killing each other, and taking pleasure in it or making a living from it. This is the behavior of cowards. Although I dare not walk with warriors, I also refuse to associate with cowards.

I know that patience is not a virtue, but I chose patience for the sake of survival. Reality has taught me the survival wisdom of scraping by; although I feel deeply ashamed, I am helpless. What is even more shameful is that I am also teaching my children to learn this survival wisdom — because I love my children and do not want them to face unpredictable risks in this world due to reckless behavior.

I live in the mire and, inevitably, have become covered in mud. Therefore, until the day I die, I will never put a lofty hat on myself, because I know I do not deserve it.

I am one of countless humble beings; I can only do my best to sympathize with and help those who, like me, are humble but have not yet lost their conscience. So I have chosen my current state of existence; I must admit that this is not the optimal choice I wanted, but only a second-best fallback.

I worry that the last bit of courage I have left will be washed away by the passage of time, leaving me eventually living like a walking corpse. I hope to keep a spark of my courage alive, so that it will still be available when truly needed. Therefore I often remind myself that living this way is not entirely correct; I must not be self-righteous, and ultimately delude and numb myself.

Fortunately, there are always some people in this world who possess the courage and virtue that I lack; their noble acts make me blush with shame, but also show me hope. My blood has not completely cooled, so sometimes I am moved and inspired by the courage of these brothers and sisters.

Moreover, I know that having brought my child into this world, I have a responsibility and duty to spare him from living as timidly and helplessly as I do. Therefore I will not allow myself to truly become a numb and unfeeling person, nor will I always close my eyes to evil. Only, if self-sacrifice is required, I will maximize the value of that sacrifice and will not sacrifice too cheaply.

I love life and will not lose interest in life because of forced patience. Before the future arrives, I am willing to do everything possible to live the present life well. Only I will set bottom lines for myself: I will not sink in patience, not degenerate in patience, not associate with cowards in patience, not glorify cowardly behavior in patience, and even less will I bully the weak in patience to satisfy my twisted soul.

Of course, I am not doing all this out of hatred; the need for restraint and patience is our innate human fate. We have never been completely at ease living in nature; there are always selection pressures that force us to restrain ourselves to adapt to our living environment. As someone who has long explored the mysteries of life, I know this more or less. Only, I also believe that some unjust patience will sooner or later disappear from the world; because of this belief, patience itself becomes less unbearable.