Positive Emotions: Acceptance, Forgiveness, Understanding, Comfort, and Healing

A depressed patient once described her experience of seeing a doctor: she went to see a doctor and poured out her suffering; the doctor listened in silence and, after she finished, sighed deeply with compassion. That sigh brought tears to her eyes; she felt an understanding and care she had never known, and from that moment her illness took a major turn for the better.

This patient had seen many doctors before, but they thought that because she had finished college and graduate school, her illness could not be serious. They did not know how hard she had worked to get through; by common sense, if a person can complete these life tasks, she cannot be too far gone. Only after this doctor's sigh did he say: "You have really been through a lot; along the way you must have paid a price beyond what most people imagine." Those words made her feel understood; in an instant she felt immense trust and closeness, and treatment afterward went smoothly.

Everyone needs someone to accept and understand them. If even one person in the world accepts and understands us, we no longer feel lonely and gain the courage to overcome illness—once one has the courage to overcome illness, treatment becomes much easier.

Not long ago, a patient's daughter-in-law told me her mother-in-law was very stubborn and had fought with her own son three times in the past year. For me, someone who almost never raises his voice to his own mother, a mother-son fight is unthinkable, yet I still understand their behavior.

I told the daughter-in-law that if my mother were this stubborn, my first thought would be that the old lady's hypothalamus might be malfunctioning, causing an emotional disorder. In fact, this old lady had an infarct in the thalamus; sadly, the family lacked medical sense and only tried to bend her bad temper, even escalating to violent conflict, making things worse. Of course, from a medical standpoint, the son may also, through genetics and family environment, have some degree of hypothalamic impairment, which is why he could not control his emotions and fought violently with his mother.

Our family members may have all sorts of emotional problems that make the whole family unable to accept them. At such times our first thought should be: are they ill, or just exhausted? We should accept them and let them relax, rather than provoking their emotions and standing in tense opposition. Only when we accept them, empathize, and are willing to understand, care for, and comfort them will they exit "fight-or-flight" mode and communicate with us rather than resist.

Underage children may also show all sorts of frustrations that lead to constant conflict with parents, resisting parental control, or even ignoring them entirely. In such cases, the parents' best move is first to accept the child, then communicate—not lecture or use violence. Only when children feel accepted by their parents will they be willing to communicate; when they feel parents do not understand or accept them, children develop instinctive rebellion.

My son is better at science than the humanities, and his mother sometimes worries about it. One day, sensing her anxiety again, I deliberately said in the living room: since our son's science grades are so good and he excels at math and physics, his learning ability must be strong. As long as his learning ability is strong, we need not worry about his future; when he enters society, what he needs most is learning ability, not these current grades. I believe a child with strong learning ability can master any subject; his current weak humanities scores are only because he has not yet found his interest, and once he does, he will do well.

My son, in his room, heard every word. It made him feel understood, so he was willing to communicate rather than resist our lectures. In that mood, I told him the humanities are very important and should be studied well. I used his grand-teacher (my own mentor) as an example, explaining that the reason he commands such respect from us students is that he read many classics in literature, history, and philosophy, which nourished his soul and made him a gentle, jade-like gentleman and sage. My son warmed to this and became willing to spend more time on the humanities. In fact, children must grow on their own; parents cannot do it for them. At most we can ignite their willingness; micromanaging their actual study only backfires.

Acceptance first comes from being accepted. Many patients cannot accept not others but themselves, which is why they have emotional problems. They cannot accept themselves because they were not accepted by their parents in early childhood. First they need someone to accept them, freeing them from self-imprisonment and self-criticism; then they can accept themselves, gradually grow spiritually and self-heal, and finally accept others and the whole world. So being accepted is the crucial first step.

Generally, not being accepted first occurs in one's family of origin. Such misfortune leaves a person fearful all his life, unable to accept himself, living in self-doubt and self-attack, appearing insecure, unconfident, and impatient. In a sense, everyone has this tendency to some degree; some are severe enough to be unable to live normally, while most are not impaired in daily life.

Mr. Fei Xiaotong said that even the most enlightened parents, in one hour, control a child more than a dictator interferes with his subjects in a lifetime. Growing up, we receive abundant denial, opposition, and criticism from parents and elders; if parents cannot balance our inner world with love and affirmation, it affects how we see the world.

Pessimism and optimism are both thinking habits. Children affirmed in childhood grow into positive optimists; children overly denied grow into negative pessimists. Positive people develop more fully; negative people lack vitality and drive, their development is blocked, and any setback easily plunges them into depression and anxiety.

No one's upbringing is 100% perfect; everyone absorbs some negative energy from the environment. Friendship and love are medicines that heal us; friends and lovers give us mostly affirmation, praise, understanding, care, companionship, and support—otherwise we would not stay with them long. This care is a major force balancing the hurts we have suffered, so good lovers heal each other. If family members treated one another with such kindness rather than mutual attack, family relations would be harmonious; everyone would be joyful and more motivated, and such a family easily prospers in all things, as the saying goes: "harmony in the family makes everything prosper."

In a family, as long as one person is willing to activate a positive emotional mode, the whole family benefits. We need to accept, tolerate, and be patient with our lovers, children, and parents. Sometimes this requires effort and sacrifice, but the price is worth it, because we will reap joy and happiness in the near future. Family misfortune often arises when no one yields and members attack one another in daily exchange.

Compassion, a joyful heart, and an elegant sense of humor are the foundations of good relationships; everyone prefers dealing with kind, affable, sympathetic people. Buddhism cultivates compassion as a major goal, and Christianity teaches tolerance and love; if we do not know how to love others, we may draw nourishment from religion.

Sick people too should learn to live gracefully. How we treat others determines how they treat us; if we always influence or even attack family with negative attitudes and words, it easily clouds the whole household. So be as strong and positive as possible, move toward your family, and work together to build a good home atmosphere.

A patient's loss of composure is understandable but sometimes unacceptable. Occasionally I meet patients who question me or even verbally attack me; generally, such an incident means no doctor-patient relationship can be built. Even if one is built, the doctor, fearing the patient's excesses, will not dare prescribe boldly and take risks for better outcomes—and medicine often requires the doctor's courage to take risks.

If a patient has financial difficulties, communicating well with the doctor means most doctors will understand, ease the burden, and sometimes even help raise funds. But never personally attack the doctor; personal attack means positive cooperation is impossible. Once you choose a doctor, trust him fully; the doctor judges your character, trust, and adherence from your words and actions, and decides what risks to take. Smart patients mostly become good friends with their doctors; mutual trust lets doctors treat boldly, and a doctor's measured courage is a blessing to the patient.

Asking must have limits, and one must know how to reciprocate. When taking others' time and energy, we must also give—helping or caring for others. One-way emotion cannot last long. With family and friends alike, remember: when enjoying others' care, care for them well; when receiving help, remember gratitude and give back.

I serve over 3,000 people and my work is not light; people often use me as a free family doctor, asking me to answer questions outside my specialty for free, or just wanting to chat to kill loneliness. New people keep joining my WeChat, so those who over-burden me are periodically deleted. I think most people lighten their own load when overburdened; that is reasonable, since energy is limited.

From my own experience I know that if I over-ask of others, they will inwardly reject me. Let us not hold others to saintly standards while indulging ourselves; that only loses us others' care. So keep the measure right, and positive emotions will last.