Recommended Reading, 'Close Relationships': Love Can Make Us Happier and Longer-Lived

A young woman with advanced colorectal cancer came to me for help; sitting across from me, she wept while accusing her husband and his entire family of being the root cause of her cancer. She recounted her misfortune, blaming everyone around her except her own mother. She believed her unhappiness was caused by the unfairness of those around her, and her anger and pain even distorted her face.

This patient has now been gone for over two years. In life she was a bank clerk, meticulous about work and life. But in her talk there was no reflection on her own faults; it never occurred to her that in family life she too had a responsibility for maintaining a healthy, happy intimate relationship. As I listened to her indict her husband's family, while sympathizing with her I also felt deeply for her husband; a man who marries such a critical wife is an unfortunate one.

Most people in the world will have one or several intimate relationships, and most grow up in normal families and eventually start their own. Social surveys show that married people usually live longer and enjoy a better quality of life than lifelong singles—whether the marriage is happy or unhappy, and whether it ultimately lasts or breaks down.

Good love and a happy family life make people happier and longer-lived; mutual care between partners shields a person from many serious diseases, and those in intimate relationships have lower blood pressure than the single. But as the saying goes, 'falling in love is easy, staying together is hard,' and not everyone handles their intimate relationships well.

Close Relationships by Rowland S. Miller, professor of psychology at Houston State University, is a masterpiece on how to develop and maintain intimate bonds.

The book reveals to us the causes of intimate relationships and their general laws of development. Unlike the moralizing of religious people, the author, from the standpoint of a researcher, uses solid data to explain the reasons behind the various phenomena of people's actual emotional lives.

Besides exploring intimate relationships between male-female partners, Rowland S. Miller also discusses same-sex relationships and close friendships between ordinary friends. Most of the interpersonal problems that trouble us can find answers in this book.

The great Chinese scholar Zhang Zhongxing once said that the most important relationship in life is that between man and woman. As the saying goes, 'a young couple, an old companion'; the natural arrangement by which the two sexes love and accompany each other has helped us overcome many negative emotions. It is precisely because we have a life partner that we do not sink into loneliness.

Rowland S. Miller points out in Close Relationships that few loves in this world stay passionate forever; most eventually turn from passion into the kinship-like affection and friendship of mutual companionship. If a person expects marriage to keep passion forever, she (or he) is bound to be disappointed. Partners who have been married a few years inevitably enter a plain period. Only by following this natural law can one finally gain a happy marriage and family life and live out one's days in health and joy within it.

When the two sexes live together, both sides must work to maintain the bond so that it is not damaged. An overly picky husband or wife makes the home atmosphere tense. In a family, one word of praise cannot erase one word of criticism. People remember unpleasant things more deeply than pleasant ones, so sharp criticism and hurt between spouses often badly tear at the relationship.

The World Health Organization lists psychological balance as one of the four cornerstones of health; what most affects psychological balance is intimate relationships, not casual acquaintances. Usually, besides an intimate bond with a male partner, women also build emotionally supportive friendships with female friends—women usually have a few close female confidantes—whereas men rely more on women's warm support to avoid loneliness. This may also explain why women live longer than men.

Some cancer patients I have treated divorced rapidly after diagnosis; in most cases it was the patient who strongly demanded the divorce, and in a few the patient was abandoned by the partner. After diagnosis, these cancer patients easily vent their resentment on their spouses, believing that the spouse's poor behavior caused their long-suppressed feelings and ultimately triggered the cancer.

Whether suppression between the sexes actually causes such outcomes has not been proven by strong data. But patients who lose a partner's support mostly do not survive long or enjoy a good quality of life, with few exceptions. Once a partner's support is lost, the patient bears great pressure both financially and psychologically—though some unhappy marriages may themselves have caused greater harm.

We should avoid misfortune before it happens rather than make amends afterward. Learning, realistically, how to maintain intimate relationships is more meaningful than listening to moral lectures. Many people's intimate relationships break down simply out of their own ignorance and emotional immaturity.

As we grow up, we should learn to handle intimate relationships well. Often those who cannot handle intimate relationships well also cannot handle ordinary relationships, while those who maintain good intimate bonds get along more easily with others.

Many people, upon getting cancer, lament the coldness of the world and human relations, while others receive strong support from family and friends when they get cancer. The huge gap between these is not caused by the outside world but by our own lack of skill in handling intimate relationships. Patients who lose the support of relatives and friends are, beyond doubt, at a disadvantage compared with those who have it.

So if we wish our lives to be happier and our years longer, we have an obligation and a responsibility to learn to maintain our intimate relationships. For this reason, I hope friends troubled by interpersonal problems will read the book Close Relationships.