Tempering a Strong, Whole, and Calm Inner Core

Human beings have a right to be imperfect, and this right should not be taken away. Not only that, people should also have the right to desire the things they want and to have their own needs. Even if compromise is required, it should be a mutual compromise between both sides.

— Randi Kreger (USA)

There is hardly a perfect person in the world, and we humans, as social animals, must coexist with others in many respects; coexistence inevitably gives rise to contradictions and conflicts. Usually these contradictions and conflicts are caused by the personality flaws of both parties, not by one side alone. But if we want happiness, we cannot count on others to change themselves; we can only change ourselves so as to improve our adaptability to our environment. Only in the closest relationships that require long-term coexistence do we need to compromise with and adapt to one another.

For the great majority of people, if we want to raise the happiness of our lives, we must first temper out a strong, complete, and calm inner core. If we possess a powerful inner core, then no matter what difficulties we face, we can at least find contentment within ourselves. There is an old Chinese saying: "When the heart is at peace, even a thatched hut is steady; when the nature is settled, even the simplest fare tastes sweet." The reason a person can be "at peace in heart" and "settled in nature" is precisely that he has a strong, complete, and calm inner core. However fierce the storms outside, he can rely on this inner core to stand firm.

We cannot expect the world to be perfect, nor can we expect everyone who comes into our lives to be perfect, or at least kind and basically mentally healthy. Our relatives and loved ones may not be so flawless. So, unless we need no contact with the outside world at all and no close relationships whatsoever, we must temper out our own inner core.

The reason I use the word "temper" (moli) rather than "cultivate" (xilian) is that the cultivation we usually speak of refers to a person's actively improving himself. But in reality, in life, relying solely on active self-improvement is unrealistic; active self-improvement is no different from building carts behind closed doors. We often still have to endure the cruel beatings of reality and grow passively.

Su Dongpo once thought he had cultivated himself very successfully and happily wrote a poem for his friend the monk Foyin, describing himself as already "unmoved by the eight winds, sitting upright on the purple gold platform." After reading it, the monk Foyin replied with a single word: "Fart." Su Dongpo flew into a rage on reading it and crossed the river overnight to argue with his old friend. Foyin had known he would come and had posted a line on the door: "Unmoved by the eight winds, one fart blows him across the river." On reading it, Su Dongpo suddenly realized: it turned out that door-building, cart-making self-cultivation could only cultivate a self-important "peace of heart" and "settled nature."

In truth, genuine "peace of heart" and "settled nature" must be tempered in actual life, "treating the mind in the face of actual circumstances" within real interpersonal conflict. Each of us seems to know ourselves, but in fact we do not. Only when the mind is stirred in the face of circumstances do we realize: oh, it turns out we are not as open-minded and tolerant as we imagined, and our composure is not that good. When something unpleasant happens, we still have an emotional reaction—of course, everyone has emotional reactions; as long as they are not excessive, they will not affect our physical and mental health.

In one concrete matter after another, we treat the "obstructions" (zhang) within our own hearts; as we keep treating them, those obstructions are eliminated, and our character becomes ever more complete. Everyone's personality develops throughout life; it is just that some people grow faster, some grow slower, and some even mark time all their lives with almost no growth.

To use the professional terminology of modern psychology, this "obstruction" is a personality problem. Strictly speaking, everyone has more or less some personality problems. It is just that some people's problems are milder and some are more severe; those that are especially severe are personality disorders, which affect a person's normal social life. People with mild problems, if they are good at reflection, can, like Yan Hui, Confucius' favored disciple, "not transfer their anger, and not repeat a fault." After making a mistake once, they understand that their inner core has some problems, repair themselves, and do not repeat it next time.

We often say that society is a great school that teaches us how to be a person. What this saying truly means is that other people teach us how to correct our own personality. Every person with whom we have had deep contact brings about in us some change, of which we may or may not be aware. Positive change is "seeing the worthy and thinking of equaling him; seeing the unworthy, inwardly examining oneself." Negative change is that these people breed in us greed, anger, delusion, arrogance, and doubt, making us increasingly irritable and paranoid. Whether a relationship is good depends on whether it brings us positive growth. If in a relationship we become more tolerant, more calm, and better, then that relationship is good, and vice versa.

A person must both accept his own imperfection and acknowledge his own imperfection. Accepting one's imperfection allows us not to live with such low self-esteem; acknowledging one's imperfection allows us to keep improving ourselves. An imperfect self is also fine and also has the right to live a happy life. A more perfect self is what our hearts long for; everyone has the pursuit of "abiding in the highest good," and this should be encouraged.

Human society as a whole is continually advancing precisely in this pursuit of "abiding in the highest good"; the hardships of life are the true force that helps us toward "the highest good." Only the things that cause us pain promote our genuine growth—the innate drive to seek benefit and avoid harm makes us, in suffering, improve our adaptability.

So we should give thanks to everyone who brings us good feelings, and also give thanks for the pain they occasionally bring us. Without that pain, we would never discover that our own inner core is not yet strong enough, complete enough, or calm enough. We should distance ourselves from those who bring us only pain and no joy; even after distancing ourselves, we should thank them for teaching us how to avoid pain.

Only those who are extremely mentally unhealthy enjoy pain and refuse joy. The innate nature of living things is to seek benefit and avoid harm; human beings are born to long for happiness and joy and to reject suffering. Those who are trapped in suffering and cannot extricate themselves also long to live lightly and happily. This is the natural foundation on which each of us can grow and heal; it is precisely because of this natural foundation that self-healing is possible. In the end, all mental illnesses rely on self-healing; others are merely our mirrors, letting us see our true selves.

If the self has defects, it is bound to bring us pain. If we have the courage to repair those defects, we succeed in self-healing. If we flatly refuse to acknowledge our defects and have no wish to repair them, it is hard for us to heal ourselves in the present. This means we may need to experience more pain and endure more hardship before we can mature.

This also means we have not found the right "mirror": the other people we have met cannot reflect our true features. We need to keep going and find the person who can reflect our true features—two people who understand each other and treat each other candidly can promote each other's growth.

Those who can find their own problems in suffering grow the fastest. Those who constantly complain about and blame others are still far from true liberation. So, when we are both calm and content, able both to find our own problems and to forgive ourselves and others, happiness will come to us unbidden. Only when a person is freed from suffering can he speak of happiness. Otherwise, tormented by pain every day, where is there any happiness to speak of?