How to Help a Loved One or Partner During a Depressive Episode

Winter is the high season for depression. Although we do not yet fully understand why depression strikes more often in winter, it is a universal fact that people's moods sink and their interest declines in the cold season. Depression rates in the cold Nordic regions are also above the world average, so a chilly, withered external environment indeed more easily triggers depressive moods.

Depression is a common mental illness. Some describe a depressive patient's inner world as "heaven one second, hell the next." When a depressive patient is low, the whole world loses its appeal to them.

They become devoid of energy and tend to view everything in a negative, pessimistic light. Because of stigma, many depressed patients and their families even refuse to acknowledge the illness, leaving many patients without the treatment and help they deserve.

The colorful world that healthy people see appears gray to the depressed. When a depressive patient is in the grip of low mood, pessimistic thoughts pull at them like a powerful magnetic field.

Depressed patients see no hope in life, have no confidence in the future, and have lost all pleasure in the present. Libido vanishes; they sleep excessively or suffer severe insomnia; memory declines; they cannot eat or binge; weight drops or rises sharply; there is unrelievable fatigue, headaches and dizziness or limb pain; mood is low or irritable, with sorrowful weeping.

These physical symptoms, together with a dejected, pessimistic mental state, torment depressed patients and leave them looking listless. The indifference of one who has nothing left to live for is the typical expression of a depressed patient.

But this is not actually the depressed person's true inner world. Most depressed people are very kind and sensitive. They are delicate, observing the world in fine detail, but they are also easily wounded by that very sensitivity. They are prone to worry heavily, carry a strong sense of guilt, blame themselves easily, hold very low self-regard, and some are prone to self-harm.

When your partner or close one shows the above signs for more than two weeks, you should consider that they are troubled by depression. Depressive mood is like a hateful black dog crouching in their mind, not easily driven away.

Depression caregivers are usually the patient's relatives or partners, and they easily get hurt by the patient. Because when depressed, patients involuntarily say things that deeply dismay the caregiver—for example, denying that deep affection exists between them and the caregiver.

I must stress this three times: this is not the depressed person's true inner thought; this is not the depressed person's true inner thought; this is not the depressed person's true inner thought.

As caregivers, we must firmly believe that our loved ones love us, and that only when gripped by depression do all their words and deeds lose control. Only by holding fast to this can we avoid losing heart—or being hurt—through the arduous process of companionship.

In fact, when their sky clears from overcast to sunny, they can give us deeply moving love—depressed patients always have moments when the clouds lift, even though their illness recurs. What we must do is accompany them, waiting for their sky to turn from gray to bright.

We can do something about their depressive mood by reminding and helping our depressed loved ones break free of its grip. When they are in a good mood, ask them to make a list of the events that tend to cheer them up; when they are low, try using the items on that list to awaken positive feelings and prevent their mood from sliding further downhill.

As a caregiver, keep records, including the times of depressive episodes. Some patients' depression is seasonal; in others it is tied to their menstrual cycle. If we observe and record carefully, we will find the pattern of our loved one's episodes. It is best to note specific dates in advance and take preventive measures, avoiding stimulation when relapse is likely.

The causes of depression are extremely complex, and psychiatrists have not reached consensus on them. Influences from one's family of origin, the impact of marriage, or major life upheavals and severe illness can all trigger depression. Women are also prone to postpartum depression after childbirth. Cancer patients, upon learning they have a terminal illness, also easily become depressed.

Targeted Chinese medicine can help depressed patients to some extent. When persistent fatigue and low willpower appear, certain qi-supporting TCM formulas, such as Buzhong Yiqi Wan (Center-Supplementing Qi-Boosting Pills) or Huangqi Shengmai Yin (Astragalus Pulse-Generating Decoction), can effectively improve the fatigue.

Most of the clinical symptoms seen in depressed patients can be explained by TCM's "zheng deficiency" (vital-qi deficiency). Depressed patients' pulses are mostly deep, fine and forceless, and some have low blood pressure. After taking qi-supporting formulas such as Huangqi Shengmai Yin or Buzhong Yiqi Wan, their fatigue and shortness of breath improve.

But these medicines play only an adjunctive role. Severely depressed patients must see a psychiatrist and take psychiatric medication, because severe depression carries a high suicide risk. If long-term medication is needed, whether Chinese or Western, one must weigh side effects and choose drugs with relatively mild adverse effects.

Treating depression requires both the patient's cooperation and the joint effort of family and doctors. Families must recognize that depression is an extremely painful illness, not that the patient "just can't get over it." Many people tell depressed patients to "look on the bright side," but in fact many depressed people think and observe more keenly than average; they can think, but even when they "look on the bright side" they cannot shake off the depressive mood.

A partner's companionship is especially important for the depressed. Partners must tell them firmly that they love them, give them confidence, and appreciate their strengths. Depressed patients have low self-esteem; appreciation from family and partners can encourage them to build a positive self-image.

Accompanying a depressed patient requires great patience. Relatives and partners are God's gift to us; it is because of them that our lives become warm. Most depressed people who take the road to ruin do so only because they are abandoned, misunderstood and uncared for. With constant patience and empathy, we can help those we love out of depression.